Forgiveness- Do I Have To?

Forgiveness… that is such a loaded word. What does it mean? Why is it necessary? Do I really have to? I am sure you have heard the statement “forgiveness is for you and not the other person” plenty of times. But, do you believe that? What is your forgiveness track record? I think before we get into forgiveness talk we should start with the offense. Trust me, I have had a fair share of transgressions taken against me:  abandonment, childhood sexual abuse, abusive relationships, betrayal by family members, backstabbing from friends, and so on. I understand how cruel this world can be and how it can leave you feeling used and abused. So, when the word forgiveness comes up the first thing that may come to mind is “but you don’t know what they did to me” “you don’t know how much that damaged me” “but they never even said they were sorry!!”

I hear you, I feel your pain, I understand. What I have learned in my journey is that I have no control of people. Some people will take and hurt and walk away like nothing happened. And we are left holding the broken pieces wondering how to put our lives back together.  I know it may be cliché, but I promise you that forgiveness is not about the other person. I also promise that forgiveness does not mean you agree with what was done or you liked what was done or that you can forget about what was done. Forgiveness does not magically erase the wrongdoing.

Forgiveness allows you to:

• Reflect on the facts of what occurred
• Take an honest assessment of how you were affected (mentally, physically, and/or emotionally)
• Have the right to choose to release yourself from the feelings of hate, anger, and revenge
• Empowers you to no longer be defined or victimized by what was done to you
• Equips you to create boundaries as you move forward

Just as difficult as it can be to forgive someone else, I have learned that it is often even harder to forgive ourselves. We may forgive those who have hurt us but how often do we beat ourselves up about what we could have done better? or what we should have done? or how could we have allowed this to happen? A lot of times we hold ourselves up to such unattainable standards that we make ourselves hostage to the “should of- could of”.

Self-forgiveness allows you to:

• Be honest with yourself about any part that you played in the harm of yourself or others
• Understand that it is human to make mistakes
• Ask for forgiveness (from yourself, others, and/or your higher power)
• Move from a place of guilt and shame to true self-acceptance

Forgiveness (of yourself and others) is an essential tool in becoming emotionally healthy and having peace of mind. I know it can be hard to forgive and knowing how to start this process can be even harder. My recommendation would be to seek help to begin this journey. A counselor is equipped to walk with you as you address the pain of wrongdoings and they will support you as move toward a place of acceptance and forgiveness.

Looking for someone to walk with you on this path of forgiveness? Take the next step and click the “contact” link to schedule a consultation.