Your mom is NOT your therapist!!

Now I know from my own cultural background when you start talking about someone’s mother all defenses go up and the boxing gloves come out. Let me ease your defenses by stating that as a mom myself and coming from a long line of strong women, I understand the many hats that mom’s wear. Often, we must be comforter, entertainer, doctor, housekeeper, chef, chauffeur, coach, teacher, etc. This post is not at all to diminish the importance of your mom/support person and the role they play in your life. However, it is to bring light to the scope of expertise your support person may have when it comes to mental health issues.

Now that I have calmed your concerns that I would be “ragging” on your mom (support system) in this post, let me explain further what I mean when I say your mom is NOT your therapist by painting a picture.

Have you ever been stressed out, overwhelmed, emotional, angry, etc. and you pick up the phone to call your ____ (insert family member or friend) with the hope that they will listen empathically, understand your perspective, give you feedback and encouragement, and build you back up. But instead this person:

• Doesn’t answer the phone
• Half listens before going into how they have a similar issue.
• Tells you that you are overreacting and too emotional
• Chastises you for making the same mistake that you’ve made in the past
• Reads you a few Bible scriptures, says a prayer, and then sends you on your way
• Completely sides with everything you say without giving you honest constructive feedback

Don’t get me wrong, having family and friends to go to in our time of distress is important and this helps us to feel connected to our support system. God created us to be in community with one another. However, I think we must be aware of our family’s limitations and capability of providing us with the support that we need when we are in crisis situations. I will discuss a few things that play a role in limiting our family’s capacity to support our mental health.

Cultural and Spiritual Factors

Cultural and historical events play a role in older generations being able to connect on an emotional level. Speaking specifically from my cultural background, there wasn’t much room to sit and talk about feelings or to discuss hardship. It was understood that difficulties would be there, everyone was experiencing them so there was no point of talking about it. The mindset was to be strong, pray about it, and push through it. I wrote a blog post on the role Christianity plays in mental health which is a good reference for this current post (http://mbswholehealth.com/you-cannot-pray-mental-illness-away/). When we think about our parents and grandparent’s generation and their view on mental health, therapy was not often considered because church was there therapy.

From my personal background, I do not know of anyone in my family who had gone to therapy. Feelings were not largely discussed and there wasn’t an open forum for that. We spent a lot of time laughing and joking over the dinner table but there wasn’t a space for deep conversations about the state of our mental health. There was a period in my life where I felt that I was broken because I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. No one in my family had ever said they dealt with this so I felt I was the only one. This led me to further isolate and begin to wear the mask that everything was ok.

Action Item: When considering reaching out to your family for support understand that they can only support you from there span of knowledge and experiences. Your parents may not understand what depression looks like, or that they need to probe a bit deeper when you tell them that you are sad. This does not mean that they do not care, it simply means you may need to seek support from someone who is equipped to understand your issues.

Objectivity

I love family but one thing I know is that they can either be a crutch or a speedbump. What I mean by this is that your family have known you your entire life, so they see you through a lens of their experiences with you.

• If you are known to be strong and responsible your family’s response to your cry for help may be, “oh you are strong, you’ll figure it out” or “you are smart, you will get through this”.
• If you have a history of being emotional, their response can be that you need to “toughen up” or “you’re always so emotional”
• If you’ve had struggles in your life and have made some mistakes, your family’s response may be “here we go again” or “didn’t you say this same thing last time”

These are just a few examples, but it shows that your family has viewed your “track record” so it may be hard for them to decipher when you are truly in need of support and/or constructive feedback. Some family members may side with you and agree with your decision making no matter how destructive it may be. Other family members may oppose every decision you make based on their own perceptions or world view. It is important to note that mental health professionals are not ethically allowed to provide therapeutic services for family or friends. I believe this is largely because it is difficult (even for professionals) to be unbiased when you are closely connected to someone.

Action Item: If you are reaching out to family, please understand the support they give you will be funneled through the lens of their past experiences and current ideals they have about you. There are times in our lives when we need a space to be open and discuss issues and receive objective feedback. This is completely ok and does not mean that we love our family any less.

Accessibility

We all know the feeling when you call someone and the phone rings and rings. It can be especially hurtful when you are in desperate need to connect with that person. What I often hear from individuals who are struggling with mental health issues is that they feel alone, they are the only one dealing with their issues, and no one cares. It takes strength to be willing to reach out to a love one for help and share that you are struggling with an issue. It can be equally as lonely and hurtful when that person is unavailable or disconnected from the conversation.

A common issue that I’ve seen when people reach out for help is that their loved ones do not understand when they need a listening ear versus when they need solutions to the problem. As a parent, I understand the desire to make your child feel better and take their pain away. This can result in quickly rushing to the problem-solving phase rather than taking time to listen to what the person is saying, understanding their thoughts and emotions, and allowing them to share the kind of support they need.

Action Item: There can be a lot of frustration surrounding whether your support person is available and equipped to provide you what you need in a time of distress. Most often than not, families love each other and have the best intentions to be there when needed. It is ok to voice your concerns and needs to your family when they are available and equipped to be there for you. However, if you find yourself reaching out to a support person and they are not available, know that you are not alone. Allow yourself to find a support person outside of your family who is trained on how to properly address mental health issues and able to walk with you through your struggles.

In closing this post, I would like to offer some encouragement. Though your mom is not your therapist, she (or any other loved one) can still be someone who you seek for support and love. It is a blessing to see with every passing year how much more people are becoming comfortable with discussing mental health issues. I feel we each have a responsibility to start the conversation about the importance of mental health within our individual support systems. This begins with each of us becoming more comfortable with dealing with our own mental health.  You may go to your mom for a few home remedies when you are feeling sick but when things become more serious you seek qualified medical attention; we must have this same approach when it comes to our mental health. As a counselor and life coach, I will always advocate for utilizing mental health services to address your needs. I encourage you to find a safe and objective environment where someone will listen, support and help you to become the best version of yourself.