Saying “Yes” when you really mean “NO!!!”

I must admit that I’m a quote hoarder. As I go through social media daily, I save images and quotes that speak to me and inspire me in some way. I came across this quote and it stuck with me: “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm”. This week while working with individuals professionally and even in my personal life I saw this quote in action. As I began preparing for this post, I saw that there are many other blog posts out there on this very topic. It made me consider how many people can relate to this quote and how often this behavior shows up in our lives.

What I have learned and saw while working with others is that takers take. And takers will continue to take until either the giver has no more to give or the giver chooses to stop giving.

When you think about the quote “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm” what does this mean to you and how does this behavior show up in your life?

• Do you often say “YES!” when you really want to scream “NO!!!”?
• Do you consider yourself to be a people pleaser?
• Do you have a habit of putting yourself last?
• Do you feel guilty when you express your needs or feelings?
• Do you feel that other’s needs are more important than yours?

When we give of ourselves to others to help meet their needs we often do so with the best intentions. However, when our needs are being neglected we are more likely to have resentment, stress, anxiety, loneliness, depression, anger, and other negative effects on our mental and physical health.

A few tools that I have practiced and taught to clients is the significance of Self-Worth, Assertive Communication, and Boundaries.

Understanding your Self-Worth is a critical piece in choosing to put down the matches and stop setting yourself on fire for others. When we lack self- worth or have low self-esteem it is easy to consider our needs to be invalid. Other’s needs will always be more urgent and more significant if we continue to put ourselves on the back burner. One thing I always tell my clients is that “you can’t give away what you don’t have”. When we give so much of ourselves away until we have nothing else left, the taker will flee, and we’ll be stuck to figure out how to put ourselves back together. Take time to reflect on who you are, what is important to you, and what boundaries you need to put in place to protect yourself from burning out.

Boundaries are important tools we all need to protect ourselves and establish healthy relationships. When setting a boundary, it is first important to recognize and acknowledge what we are feeling without outside influence. What are you doing when you are “setting yourself on fire” for someone? What is this person requesting of you? What effect is it having on you? Secondly, you will need to recognize how your boundary has been crossed and what boundaries you need to put in place to ensure you are not going to go back to the “self-burning” behavior. Finally, ENFORCE ENFORCE ENFORCE. A boundary is only useful when you mean what you say and show it. Using assertive communication; State your boundary (with words and actions), state the consequence if your boundary is crossed, and follow through with the consequence if your boundaries aren’t respected even if that means setting the matches down and walking away.

Assertive Communication is different from being aggressive or passive aggressive.  Assertiveness is a communication style of being able to express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions in an open manner that doesn’t violate your rights or the rights of others. If we communicate in a passive manner we are not saying what we really feel or think. This means we can end up agreeing with and fulfilling other people’s needs or wants rather than our own. There are many factors and beliefs that may have caused us to be afraid of saying “no” and as a result we continuously over commit ourselves. However, it is important to recognize that you have the right to say “no” especially when it comes to your personal wellbeing. To be able to enforce your newly established boundaries it will be important for you to begin challenging and disputing the thoughts that tell you that saying “no” is not ok. This can often be done with a therapist using Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). As you work through becoming comfortable with saying “no”, you will find that standing up for yourself and wellbeing will be the fire extinguisher needed to set yourself free from the self-sacrificial fire you have started.

Additional Resources can be found at http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/index.cfm