I must admit that I’m a quote hoarder. As I go through social media daily, I save images and quotes that speak to me and inspire me in some way. I came across this quote and it stuck with me: “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm”. This week while working with individuals professionally and even in my personal life I saw this quote in action. As I began preparing for this post, I saw that there are many other blog posts out there on this very topic. It made me consider how many people can relate to this quote and how often this behavior shows up in our lives.

What I have learned and saw while working with others is that takers take. And takers will continue to take until either the giver has no more to give or the giver chooses to stop giving.

When you think about the quote “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm” what does this mean to you and how does this behavior show up in your life?

• Do you often say “YES!” when you really want to scream “NO!!!”?
• Do you consider yourself to be a people pleaser?
• Do you have a habit of putting yourself last?
• Do you feel guilty when you express your needs or feelings?
• Do you feel that other’s needs are more important than yours?

When we give of ourselves to others to help meet their needs we often do so with the best intentions. However, when our needs are being neglected we are more likely to have resentment, stress, anxiety, loneliness, depression, anger, and other negative effects on our mental and physical health.

A few tools that I have practiced and taught to clients is the significance of Self-Worth, Assertive Communication, and Boundaries.

Understanding your Self-Worth is a critical piece in choosing to put down the matches and stop setting yourself on fire for others. When we lack self- worth or have low self-esteem it is easy to consider our needs to be invalid. Other’s needs will always be more urgent and more significant if we continue to put ourselves on the back burner. One thing I always tell my clients is that “you can’t give away what you don’t have”. When we give so much of ourselves away until we have nothing else left, the taker will flee, and we’ll be stuck to figure out how to put ourselves back together. Take time to reflect on who you are, what is important to you, and what boundaries you need to put in place to protect yourself from burning out.

Boundaries are important tools we all need to protect ourselves and establish healthy relationships. When setting a boundary, it is first important to recognize and acknowledge what we are feeling without outside influence. What are you doing when you are “setting yourself on fire” for someone? What is this person requesting of you? What effect is it having on you? Secondly, you will need to recognize how your boundary has been crossed and what boundaries you need to put in place to ensure you are not going to go back to the “self-burning” behavior. Finally, ENFORCE ENFORCE ENFORCE. A boundary is only useful when you mean what you say and show it. Using assertive communication; State your boundary (with words and actions), state the consequence if your boundary is crossed, and follow through with the consequence if your boundaries aren’t respected even if that means setting the matches down and walking away.

Assertive Communication is different from being aggressive or passive aggressive.  Assertiveness is a communication style of being able to express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions in an open manner that doesn’t violate your rights or the rights of others. If we communicate in a passive manner we are not saying what we really feel or think. This means we can end up agreeing with and fulfilling other people’s needs or wants rather than our own. There are many factors and beliefs that may have caused us to be afraid of saying “no” and as a result we continuously over commit ourselves. However, it is important to recognize that you have the right to say “no” especially when it comes to your personal wellbeing. To be able to enforce your newly established boundaries it will be important for you to begin challenging and disputing the thoughts that tell you that saying “no” is not ok. This can often be done with a therapist using Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). As you work through becoming comfortable with saying “no”, you will find that standing up for yourself and wellbeing will be the fire extinguisher needed to set yourself free from the self-sacrificial fire you have started.

Additional Resources can be found at http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/index.cfm

Envy is defined as a desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to someone else. With the wide-spread use of social media, we are constantly watching the best version of others via photos or videos as we scroll through our time lines. We see the most luxurious trips our friends are going on, food they are eating, stores they are shopping at, relationships they have, and how many ‘likes’ they receive on each and every post. As an outsider looking in, this person’s life looks darn near perfect. We tend to see the perfect picture of others and then look at our reality and ask, “why can’t my life be more like that?” “why does she get everything?” “how did he deserve that job?” “what is wrong with me?”

I’d like to ask you a question, when was the last time you were willing to put your worst on camera for the world to see? When was the last time you decided to pose for a picture when you didn’t have it all together? For most of us the answer is never. We have to cut ourselves some slack and take what we see for what it is. We have been trained to only show our best, so it is no wonder that we are only exposed to the good our friends on social media are experiencing. When we constantly compare our reality to the “reality” that others allow us to see we will continue to feel less than.

“Comparison is the thief of joy”, this means as long as you are looking at someone else’s plate longing for what they have you will never be satisfied with what is in front of you. There is a saying “never compare someone’s middle to your beginning”. When you look at someone else and envy their success without truly taking the time to understand what it took to get them there, you are feeding yourself a false reality or an illusion. Each and every one of us has our own journey to walk, which comes with its own share of struggles, trials, and successes. We do harm to ourselves when we allow comparison and envy to take away our self-satisfaction.

If you find that you are struggling with comparing yourself to others, I suggest that you ask yourself this question “Do I really accept myself for who I am?” and here’s the kicker you have to answer that question honestly. Self-acceptance comes from embracing who you are wholeheartedly. When you accept yourself flaws and all, you will be able to see others from a more realistic point of view. With true self-acceptance, the envy you felt toward others will become a genuine joy for their accomplishments.  You will be able to utilize the success of others as a motivating factor; instead of wanting what they have you can begin to achieve your goals as well.

But how do you get from a place of comparison to self-acceptance? The journey begins with you. If you are willing to take an honest look at yourself and learn to appreciate what makes you unique this is where the process begins. The journey to self-acceptance does not have to be taken alone, reach out to someone you trust to walk with you.

Looking for someone to walk with you on this path toward self-acceptance? Take the next step and click the “contact” link to schedule a consultation with me and we can start this journey together.

 

Instinct, intuition, discernment: these are innate gifts that are given to us for protection. Our body can sense danger and triggers a physiological response that tells us to fight of flee. Our brain constantly scans the environment for warnings/ triggers and indicates to our body how we should react. We may be walking down the street, and something tells us not to cross as we shortly see a car speed around the corner. We could be driving, and something tells us to take another route, later we find that there was an accident on the highway we usually take home. We can also encounter a sales person who gives us a bad vibe, and something tells us this person does not have my best interest in mind. My question for you is how do you listen to your instincts, especially when it comes to relationships?

Let’s paint a picture: You meet someone new, they are attractive, and seem to meet all of your relationship check boxes. They are attentive and want to listen to all your past hurts, needs, wants, and desires. This person seems to be perfect even though you’ve noticed that sometimes they raise their voice at you when they are frustrated. And yes, you’ve noticed that they can be slightly critical of your appearance. Oh, and they can often put you down and make you feel uneducated. But, they know what’s best for you right? You’ve told them what you wanted and needed so they are just looking out for you, right? As the relationship progresses have you begun to see the loving side of them less often than the controlling and judgmental side? Do you find yourself making excuses for their behavior?

If you have ever found yourself in a similar situation or are currently in one, I am curious to know what did your instincts show you about this person? What signs did you ignore? What signals are you currently ignoring that is telling you that this person or situation does not mean you well? An article written by Judith Orloff, PhD, identified instincts that you should pay attention to.

1: “Something feels wrong in my body”

• “Intuition allows you to get the first warning signs when anything is off in your body so that you can address it. If you have a gut feeling about your body — that something is toxic, weak or ‘off’ — listen to it.”

2: “I’m in danger”

• The feeling you get about a person in the first 10 seconds can tell you a lot. Though it is important to check your gut feelings against your rational mind whenever possible there are simple ways you can attend to what feels like a warning signal. For example, in the short term you can remove from an environment or relationship when your body tells you it is unsafe.

Our bodies are wired to offer us protection, when we ignore our instincts we are permitting danger to come our way whether it is physical, mental, and/or emotional. The good thing is, even if you ignored your instincts in the past, you have the choice to pay closer attention now. If you find yourself in a relationship or situation that you know is unhealthy and will only cause you harm, please put your safety first. If you are in a relationship that is mentally, emotionally, or physically abusive there are options available to help you get out of this situation. Please reach out to a domestic violence hotline, a trusted friend or family member, or a local mental health professional.

If you need assistance with leaving an unhealthy relationship or situation, please feel free to contact me discreetly to set up a consultation.

For Additional Reading: 5 Gut instincts you shouldn’t ignore – Experience life. (2010, November).

Forgiveness… that is such a loaded word. What does it mean? Why is it necessary? Do I really have to? I am sure you have heard the statement “forgiveness is for you and not the other person” plenty of times. But, do you believe that? What is your forgiveness track record? I think before we get into forgiveness talk we should start with the offense. Trust me, I have had a fair share of transgressions taken against me:  abandonment, childhood sexual abuse, abusive relationships, betrayal by family members, backstabbing from friends, and so on. I understand how cruel this world can be and how it can leave you feeling used and abused. So, when the word forgiveness comes up the first thing that may come to mind is “but you don’t know what they did to me” “you don’t know how much that damaged me” “but they never even said they were sorry!!”

I hear you, I feel your pain, I understand. What I have learned in my journey is that I have no control of people. Some people will take and hurt and walk away like nothing happened. And we are left holding the broken pieces wondering how to put our lives back together.  I know it may be cliché, but I promise you that forgiveness is not about the other person. I also promise that forgiveness does not mean you agree with what was done or you liked what was done or that you can forget about what was done. Forgiveness does not magically erase the wrongdoing.

Forgiveness allows you to:

• Reflect on the facts of what occurred
• Take an honest assessment of how you were affected (mentally, physically, and/or emotionally)
• Have the right to choose to release yourself from the feelings of hate, anger, and revenge
• Empowers you to no longer be defined or victimized by what was done to you
• Equips you to create boundaries as you move forward

Just as difficult as it can be to forgive someone else, I have learned that it is often even harder to forgive ourselves. We may forgive those who have hurt us but how often do we beat ourselves up about what we could have done better? or what we should have done? or how could we have allowed this to happen? A lot of times we hold ourselves up to such unattainable standards that we make ourselves hostage to the “should of- could of”.

Self-forgiveness allows you to:

• Be honest with yourself about any part that you played in the harm of yourself or others
• Understand that it is human to make mistakes
• Ask for forgiveness (from yourself, others, and/or your higher power)
• Move from a place of guilt and shame to true self-acceptance

Forgiveness (of yourself and others) is an essential tool in becoming emotionally healthy and having peace of mind. I know it can be hard to forgive and knowing how to start this process can be even harder. My recommendation would be to seek help to begin this journey. A counselor is equipped to walk with you as you address the pain of wrongdoings and they will support you as move toward a place of acceptance and forgiveness.

Looking for someone to walk with you on this path of forgiveness? Take the next step and click the “contact” link to schedule a consultation.

It is a common saying in addiction treatment that “secrets keep you sick” and “you’re only as sick as your secrets”. This saying not only applies to individuals who are dealing with chemical dependency but also to every one of us who chooses to suffer in silence rather than reveal our struggles to the ones who love us. But where does this need to hide come from? Have you ever wanted to talk to a friend, spouse, or family member about something that is pressing on your heart but instead you choose to keep it inside? What is that “thing” you are running from? Is it the fear of embarrassment? The fear of judgment? The fear of disappointment? The fear of no longer living up to their expectations? Are you afraid that they will treat you differently? That they won’t listen to what you have to say? That they will try to “fix” you?

The act of being able to get things out of your head and speak them is such a cathartic experience that God told us that we can speak things into existence (Romans 4:17) and that life and death is in the power of our tongues (Proverbs 18:21). If you understand what power you have by simply speaking, it is no wonder why our tongues are often held captive by fear and shame.

Fear and shame is like a fungus that breeds and grows in darkness; the longer we hold things inside and try to cover them up the more fear and shame keeps us silent. The quote in the image above states that talking has the ability to kill the power, of the thoughts in our minds, by allowing the truth of things to hit the air. What does this really mean? I have sat across from clients who are speaking thoughts that have been running circles in their mind creating fear, worry, and anxiety. As they begin to speak these thoughts aloud I can see the light bulb go off, they often say “now that I hear myself say it aloud, I really should have done this or I really should not have worried about that”.  Speaking things aloud allows you to hear what you have said, decipher if what you have said is true, and empowers you to choose what to do with this new information.

I know it can be hard to open up and share your thoughts or secrets, especially if you have been holding on to it for so long. But I implore you to consider talking to someone; maybe a close trusted friend, spouse, family member, clergy member, or a local counselor. Set the stage for your needs; it is fair to ask this person to simply listen, without judgment or feedback, and just give you the opportunity to share what has been on your mind and heart. If you’re thinking, “I’m not ready to share this secret with someone else just yet”, remember that God is always available, ready, and willing to listen (Psalm 61).

A friend is someone you share the path with. ~ African proverb

Looking for a safe space to begin the conversation? Take the next step and contact me if you have any questions or would like to schedule a 30-minute consultation.

There is so much going on in the world right now. Hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, fires, mudslides, and multitudes of senseless crimes are being seen around the world in epic proportions. It has led me (and I am sure you as well) to ask the question WHY?  Why all the pain and suffering we see daily? What is the purpose? When being inundated with information it is so easy to get swept away into the media frenzies which keeps us aware but also causes residual trauma from overexposure. When you log out of social media for the day and turn off the TV; how are you dealing with your own personal trials and struggles? How are you processing both what you have taken in and what you are personally experiencing?  Life has a way of bringing issue after issue and before you can catch your breath and recover yet another issue has hit you.

In my personal journey I have experienced so many trials and I have asked God, WHY? Why is it always something? Why can I never catch a break? Do I really have to experience all of this? What is the point? It seemed as if God had placed me in a pit and the more I tried to dig myself out the harder it became to see the light of day. It wasn’t until I decided that I could not walk this journey alone that I was able to empower myself to no longer be a victim but rather use my struggles as a testimony to others. There is no shame in admitting that you cannot do it alone. There is power in transparency and asking for help. Sometimes, your prayer needs to transform from “Lord move this mountain” to “Lord give me the strength to climb”. I cannot tell you why you are experiencing that pain. I cannot answer why we are seeing such tragedy in the world; but what I know for sure is that you are not alone. God gives us one another to lean on in our times of weakness. If you find that you are struggling please reach out to a trusted family member, friend, minister, and/ or counselor. You do not have to walk this journey alone. You never know who is watching you and depending on your testimony to get them through their own personal journey.

Ecclesiastes 4:10-12 “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

If I am being honest, I must admit that I love butterflies and they hold a very special meaning for me. The butterfly for me represents hope and new beginnings. Butterflies come in all shapes, sizes, and colors; and they are each beautiful in their own way. But before we get to enjoy and admire the butterfly’s beauty we should acknowledge the process.  We have all heard the story of how a caterpillar becomes a beautiful butterfly; the caterpillar eats and eats until it is time to cocoon itself and wait for a radical transformation. But how does the story of the caterpillar translate to your life? Consider what the caterpillar has gone through prior to being able to test out those beautiful wings. The caterpillar has to sacrifice who it is in order to become what it was created to be. In our lives, we face a multitude of challenges, some that are self-imposed and others that were imposed upon us. Some of us have experienced hurts and pains that are unspeakable and often remain unspoken. From childhood we search for meaning, purpose, love, fulfillment, joy, acceptance. Our past may often hinder us from stepping out on faith and allowing God to reveal the purpose He has for our lives.  I compel you to ask yourself- What is it going to take for me to transform from who I am today to who God has called me to be? Your journey can begin as soon as you are ready. Your wings are waiting for you!

We live in a world that is constantly on the move. We hit the snooze button a few times on our alarm and then we jump out of bed to start a day that is go-go-go until we fall into bed at night just to start all over again in the morning. I dare you to pause for just a second and consider- What have you done today to take care of you? Think about that. When was the last time you sought out to do something that prioritized your wellbeing? On those days when you feel stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, and downright run down; do you feel guilty for wanting time to rejuvenate yourself? We have been conditioned to think that the care of self is selfish. It is important to remember that you can’t give away what you don’t have. If you push yourself until you have nothing left to give, you aren’t much good to yourself or anyone else. It is ok to take time for yourself. It is ok to admit that you can’t do it all. It is ok to ask for help. When you neglect to give your mind, body, and spirit the attention it needs you are limiting your access to having a healthy and fulfilled life. I challenge you to find what you need in order to fall in love with taking care of yourself- Mind. Body. and Soul.