Who can the “strong one” depend on?

One of the common themes I have seen as I talk with clients, peers, and from my own experience is that individuals often feel that they have no one that they can turn to. I have met many people who say that they cannot go to their friends or family with their problems because they are expected to be the “strong one”. When you are the person who is constantly helping others and listening to everyone’s issues, who do you turn to when you need support? Who can you turn to when everybody you know turns to you?

Let me have an honesty moment, I have been writing this blog post for about two months now. I thought my schedule was the reason I kept putting off finishing this post. But the truth is, I am living this right now and always have. I have always been a great listener which is an asset for any counselor/life coach. However, early on in my life I felt that my friends and family never took the time to hear what I had to say. I have had friends call me and vent for hours; and asking if I was ok or how I was doing often seemed like an afterthought. Can you relate to having a difficult day and someone calls you to vent, you listen but you never could express what was bothering you?

I have found that many individuals who wear the title of being the “strong one” have difficulty taking off that mask because they have not found a safe space in which they are able to be vulnerable. Individuals who are not given the space to be vulnerable often internalize their thoughts and feeling which can lead to resentment, anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc. When you feel you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and carry your problems silently along with everyone else’s you may often isolate and feel that no one cares. In experiencing this myself, I can share of few things that I have done to continue being a listening ear to family and friends while also ensuring my voice is heard.

Understanding Your Worth
The most valuable lesson you can learn is that you matter and that your voice matters. Often when you wear the mask and armor of the strong friend, people see you as a person who they can lay their burdens on and walk away feeling better. What is important to know if you identify with this role is that, you deserve to have someone to be that person for you. I am not saying to call your closest friend and verbally/emotionally vomit on them. What I am saying is that you deserve a give and take relationship in which you can take off the mask and express your needs. My personal perspective growing up was that what I felt did not matter and what I had to say did not matter either, but I had a caring heart and wanted to help people. Because of this I constantly found myself being there for others but finding I could not identify one person who was truly there for me. When you wear the “strong one” crown you often don’t show others your pain and weakness, so they don’t have a reason to probe deeper when you say, “I’m ok”. Give yourself permission to be human and accept that you need others just as much as they need you. Peak from behind your mask and test the waters to see who is willing to see the real you and be there when you need them.

Assertive Communication
The major thing that I have learned when it comes to getting what you desire out of any relationship is that you must speak your truth and ask for what you need. There are friends in my life that I love dearly but I found myself resenting them, ignoring them, and isolating myself because I felt that they just did not care. What I decided to do before completely walking away from the friendships was to peak from behind my mask. I began to talk to my friends and let them know that I felt alone, that I felt ignored, that I could not tell that they care about what was going on with me. And guess what happened? My friends apologized for taking advantage of my listening ear, they asked to know in what ways they could be there for me, and their actions began to show that they heard what I said. They began starting conversations with “How are you doing? No really, how are you really doing?” Our relationships became mutual, give-and-take. I began to know who my true support system was, and I began to feel like my mask could be put on the shelf every once in a while.

Boundaries
Now, I said that this was going to be a moment of honesty and I would be completely untruthful if I said that everyone in my life became a part of my mutual “give-and-take” support system. The tough part of advocating for yourself when you are the strong one is that you must establish boundaries, this is a must. I’ve said this in a previous blog; givers have to establish boundaries because takers don’t have any. The hardest thing that I had to do in order to create a healthier space for myself was to end relationships with people that had no intention of being there for me as I was for them. This was both difficult and hurtful but what I learned is that the cost of ending a relationship that only caused me burdens and loneliness was minimal in comparison to the cost of maintaining a draining relationship in which my voice and needs were insignificant. I will repeat “that you matter and that your voice matters”. Take stock of those who are constantly pulling on you for support and ask yourself “Is this person able to see and value my worth?” and “Am I able to communicate my needs assertively and find that this person will give to me as I have to them?” In asking yourself these questions, be honest, and consider what boundaries you need to put in place to ensure those you surround yourself with are beneficial to your overall mental health.

Reassess and Regroup
When creating boundaries, I am not saying that you must cut everyone off that does not fit the criteria of seeing your value and desiring a mutual “give-and-take” relationship. What I am suggesting is that you reassess and regroup. When you take stock of those in your life and you are aware of where they stand, it is ok to decide who gets access to you and how. There are still people in my life that I associate with and care for that do not meet the criteria for being in my close support system. I still hang out with them and chat with them, but I do not allow myself to be their dumping zone. I allow myself to ignore a call or two, I decline an outing when I am not feeling up to it, I do not allow myself to have false expectations that they will always be there for me. When people show you who they are, believe them. You have the right to choose who you allow to drain and replenish your energy. There is no guilt in allowing someone to play the part they have chosen to take in your life; remember you allowed them to audition for the role of supportive friend in the tips above.

I will close with this last tip: be the friend you desire to have.  I can completely understand the burnout you experience when you are constantly the “go to” person. The armor of being the “strong one” gets heavy and it becomes easier to isolate and become a lone soldier. What I recommend, is that you take the time to connect with those in your life that really love you, share with them how you have been feeling, and take the time to build stronger connections with those who truly have your best interest in mind. If you are at a loss for a person that you can identify in your life that could be a part of your support system, I highly recommend seeking a local minister, counselor, or coach to walk with you. As I mentioned above I relate very closely with this blog topic. I’ve been there, and I understand what this feels like. My purpose is to create an environment where individuals are able to remove the mask, become vulnerable, and work through life’s issues. If you need someone you can turn to when everybody you know turns to you, contact me directly to schedule a free 30-minute consultation.