M.B.S. Whole Health

Your mom is NOT your therapist!!

By M.B.S. Whole Health | July 17, 2018 | Comments 5 comments

Now I know from my own cultural background when you start talking about someone’s mother all defenses go up and the boxing gloves come out. Let me ease your defenses by stating that as a mom myself and coming from a long line of strong women, I understand the many hats that mom’s wear. Often, we must be comforter, entertainer, doctor, housekeeper, chef, chauffeur, coach, teacher, etc. This post is not at all to diminish the importance of your mom/support person and the role they play in your life. However, it is to bring light to the scope of expertise your support person may have when it comes to mental health issues.

Now that I have calmed your concerns that I would be “ragging” on your mom (support system) in this post, let me explain further what I mean when I say your mom is NOT your therapist by painting a picture.

Have you ever been stressed out, overwhelmed, emotional, angry, etc. and you pick up the phone to call your ____ (insert family member or friend) with the hope that they will listen empathically, understand your perspective, give you feedback and encouragement, and build you back up. But instead this person:

Doesn’t answer the phone
Half listens before going into how they have a similar issue.
Tells you that you are overreacting and too emotional
Chastises you for making the same mistake that you’ve made in the past
Reads you a few Bible scriptures, says a prayer, and then sends you on your way
Completely sides with everything you say without giving you honest constructive feedback

Don’t get me wrong, having family and friends to go to in our time of distress is important and this helps us to feel connected to our support system. God created us to be in community with one another. However, I think we must be aware of our family’s limitations and capability of providing us with the support that we need when we are in crisis situations. I will discuss a few things that play a role in limiting our family’s capacity to support our mental health.

Cultural and Spiritual Factors

Cultural and historical events play a role in older generations being able to connect on an emotional level. Speaking specifically from my cultural background, there wasn’t much room to sit and talk about feelings or to discuss hardship. It was understood that difficulties would be there, everyone was experiencing them so there was no point of talking about it. The mindset was to be strong, pray about it, and push through it. I wrote a blog post on the role Christianity plays in mental health which is a good reference for this current post (http://mbswholehealth.com/you-cannot-pray-mental-illness-away/). When we think about our parents and grandparent’s generation and their view on mental health, therapy was not often considered because church was there therapy.

From my personal background, I do not know of anyone in my family who had gone to therapy. Feelings were not largely discussed and there wasn’t an open forum for that. We spent a lot of time laughing and joking over the dinner table but there wasn’t a space for deep conversations about the state of our mental health. There was a period in my life where I felt that I was broken because I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. No one in my family had ever said they dealt with this so I felt I was the only one. This led me to further isolate and begin to wear the mask that everything was ok.

Action Item: When considering reaching out to your family for support understand that they can only support you from there span of knowledge and experiences. Your parents may not understand what depression looks like, or that they need to probe a bit deeper when you tell them that you are sad. This does not mean that they do not care, it simply means you may need to seek support from someone who is equipped to understand your issues.

Objectivity

I love family but one thing I know is that they can either be a crutch or a speedbump. What I mean by this is that your family have known you your entire life, so they see you through a lens of their experiences with you.

If you are known to be strong and responsible your family’s response to your cry for help may be, “oh you are strong, you’ll figure it out” or “you are smart, you will get through this”.
If you have a history of being emotional, their response can be that you need to “toughen up” or “you’re always so emotional”
If you’ve had struggles in your life and have made some mistakes, your family’s response may be “here we go again” or “didn’t you say this same thing last time”

These are just a few examples, but it shows that your family has viewed your “track record” so it may be hard for them to decipher when you are truly in need of support and/or constructive feedback. Some family members may side with you and agree with your decision making no matter how destructive it may be. Other family members may oppose every decision you make based on their own perceptions or world view. It is important to note that mental health professionals are not ethically allowed to provide therapeutic services for family or friends. I believe this is largely because it is difficult (even for professionals) to be unbiased when you are closely connected to someone.

Action Item: If you are reaching out to family, please understand the support they give you will be funneled through the lens of their past experiences and current ideals they have about you. There are times in our lives when we need a space to be open and discuss issues and receive objective feedback. This is completely ok and does not mean that we love our family any less.

Accessibility

We all know the feeling when you call someone and the phone rings and rings. It can be especially hurtful when you are in desperate need to connect with that person. What I often hear from individuals who are struggling with mental health issues is that they feel alone, they are the only one dealing with their issues, and no one cares. It takes strength to be willing to reach out to a love one for help and share that you are struggling with an issue. It can be equally as lonely and hurtful when that person is unavailable or disconnected from the conversation.

A common issue that I’ve seen when people reach out for help is that their loved ones do not understand when they need a listening ear versus when they need solutions to the problem. As a parent, I understand the desire to make your child feel better and take their pain away. This can result in quickly rushing to the problem-solving phase rather than taking time to listen to what the person is saying, understanding their thoughts and emotions, and allowing them to share the kind of support they need.

Action Item: There can be a lot of frustration surrounding whether your support person is available and equipped to provide you what you need in a time of distress. Most often than not, families love each other and have the best intentions to be there when needed. It is ok to voice your concerns and needs to your family when they are available and equipped to be there for you. However, if you find yourself reaching out to a support person and they are not available, know that you are not alone. Allow yourself to find a support person outside of your family who is trained on how to properly address mental health issues and able to walk with you through your struggles.

In closing this post, I would like to offer some encouragement. Though your mom is not your therapist, she (or any other loved one) can still be someone who you seek for support and love. It is a blessing to see with every passing year how much more people are becoming comfortable with discussing mental health issues. I feel we each have a responsibility to start the conversation about the importance of mental health within our individual support systems. This begins with each of us becoming more comfortable with dealing with our own mental health. You may go to your mom for a few home remedies when you are feeling sick but when things become more serious you seek qualified medical attention; we must have this same approach when it comes to our mental health. As a counselor and life coach, I will always advocate for utilizing mental health services to address your needs. I encourage you to find a safe and objective environment where someone will listen, support and help you to become the best version of yourself.

WHAT SISTERHOOD TAUGHT ME ABOUT LIFE, LIBERTY, & THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

By M.B.S. Whole Health | May 2, 2018 | Comments 1 comment

As a counselor it is never my goal to be the center of attention; in the helping profession we are taught to remain focused on our clients and I enjoy being able to do just that. However, I do believe that God has allowed me to walk through painful experiences and overcome them, so I could not only empathize with the challenges that my client’s face but also be an example that they can get through them as well.

For this post, I would like to be transparent in showing how important it is to have a community of people around you who love and support you especially in times of difficulty.

I was in an extremely emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for several years, and near the end of my college career I eventually found the strength to leave. After leaving a relationship that had defined my identity for so long, I longed to find myself and a place in life that I could call my own. It was when I decided to join a sisterhood of likeminded, strong, and ambitious women that I truly began the journey of finding myself.

LIFE

For those who have been in (or are currently in) any type of abusive relationship then you understand how difficult it is to maintain your own identity. In this relationship, there was no me, I had become who ever this person wanted me to be and in leaving the relationship I had no idea who I truly was. I made the decision to seek out a place where I could find women who exemplified who I wanted to become. I looked around my network of friends to see if anyone had the qualities that I wanted to see within myself. It was by God’s grace that I came across a group of women who represented the type of woman I wanted to become, I had found a sisterhood. What this sisterhood taught me about my life was that I was strong, resilient, smart, resourceful, and I could not be broken.
This gave me a foundation upon which I still stand today. Why is this helpful for you? When you feel that you are alone, struggling, have no identity, and no ambition; make it your mission to surround yourself with people who are doing the things you desire to do. Seek out groups (in your community, church, work, school, neighborhood) where you see not only their words (what they portray) but also their actions (what they are doing successfully). If you cannot fully see potential within yourself and you are unsure how you are going to get to the next step in your life; surround yourself with positive people, watch them, and learn from them. Sometimes it takes having living examples around you to know that that dream you have for your life is possible. Only God knows the alternative outcome for me had I not chosen to surround myself with positive people at a point in my life when I had no hope. What I do know is that this decision changed the trajectory of my life thereafter.

LIBERTY

There is no freedom when you are in an abusive relationship (or any other toxic situation) where you feel captive and that every decision you make and action you take will have a detrimental impact on your life. At a point in my past relationship I lived in a constant state of fear, fear that if I did the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, was not at the right place, or even breathed the wrong way then something bad was going to happen. I lived constantly on edge that this life and “love” that I had found for myself would be taken away. Even though I knew the situation was unhealthy and toxic, I stayed because I was afraid to be alone. In leaving that relationship, I was on my own for the first time since moving from my parent’s home and going to college. I did not really know what to do with myself and I found myself attracting men with the same controlling and manipulative nature that I had escaped from.
How I found my liberty was deciding to do something that was only for me, I decided to join a sorority. This decision wasn’t easy, and I faced many difficult challenges, but I did it for me. This is what set my mind and heart free. The lesson for you here isn’t to try and join a sorority or make you regret that you didn’t. The lesson is to do what you need to do FOR YOU. What is it that you always wanted to do but were too afraid to try? DO IT? For me, surrounding myself with positive, strong women was what I needed to find my own personal strength. The saying “birds of a feather, flock together” has some truth to it. Be cognizant of who you surround yourself with and what energy they bring into your life. Surrounding yourself with people and things that make you want to be the best version of yourself is key in finding your freedom. God did not create us to be islands, separate and in competition with one another. God’s creation of man was not perfected until he built a suitable helper, we were created for connection with one another (Genesis 2:18).

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

After deciding to make a change in my life and joining a sisterhood of encouraging women, I began to find myself. I began to not be so afraid of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, and losing myself in someone else. By gaining mentors and positive examples of success, I began to grow into the woman I am today and pursue my own purpose and happiness in life. Now, I won’t tell you that building a community around myself made my whole life easier thereafter. I still had struggles, hurts, pains, and I was/am still growing as an individual. What I gained by building this community was the understanding that I wasn’t alone, that I had people who had become apart of my extended family. My community were the individuals who held me up when I faced life’s difficulties and I did the same for them.
What I have also gained is a group of people who hold me accountable, who encourage me, and inspire me to pursue my dreams. The key lesson here is that you can’t choose your biological family. Many people have estranged, strained, and unhealthy relationships within their family which created in them a sense of being alone. The benefit of being able to build your own community is that you can pick, choose, and vet who you allow to be apart of your inner circle. When you build your personal community, you get to grow with people based on common interest and mutual respect. I don’t know what your personal dreams or struggles are, but I do know that there is a community of people out there who share your dreams and are waiting for you to step outside of your comfort zone and connect with them.

BUILDING YOUR OWN COMMUNITY

I believe that this model of community/ sisterhood works for me and it helps me as I continue to grow and dream bigger. Outside of my sisterhood, I have built a new community of likeminded professional women who share the same vision of wanting to live in our purpose and to help others do the same. How did I build this community you might ask? First let me say, I used to be painfully shy, reserved, and doing anything outside of my comfort zone was an immediate NO!! But, I realized that I wasn’t going to grow or improve as a person if I isolated myself. I began looking online for community groups that shared my interest on platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. There are tons of groups online that you can join to get “your feet wet” and increase your comfortability engaging with people who share your interest.
What I also tried was looking at local ‘Meet Up’ groups, I found networking and social events that were in my area of interest and I took the leap and went to a few. Going to an event can seem daunting, but many people are in the exact same position as you, they are looking to connect and build relationships with people who have commonality. Building a community does not have to be a long drawn out and draining process. Use technology to your advantage to find groups and organizations who share your vision, and the best part is that you can do this at your own pace. In pushing myself to step out of my comfort zone, I have made many amazing connections and my personal community continues to grow. As my community grows, I gain insight, support, and guidance from my peers and this continues to propel me along this path of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness does not look the same for everyone, we all must define it and obtain it for ourselves. If you are struggling with similar painful situations as I once did, and you are looking for support as you move forward in finding your freedom and defining who you want to become please feel free to reach out to me directly (see contact tab). I would love to help you as you begin this journey of defining how you would like the rest of your story to end.

Who can the “strong one” depend on?

By M.B.S. Whole Health | March 6, 2018 | Comments 3 comments

One of the common themes I have seen as I talk with clients, peers, and from my own experience is that individuals often feel that they have no one that they can turn to. I have met many people who say that they cannot go to their friends or family with their problems because they are expected to be the “strong one”. When you are the person who is constantly helping others and listening to everyone’s issues, who do you turn to when you need support? Who can you turn to when everybody you know turns to you?

Let me have an honesty moment, I have been writing this blog post for about two months now. I thought my schedule was the reason I kept putting off finishing this post. But the truth is, I am living this right now and always have. I have always been a great listener which is an asset for any counselor/life coach. However, early on in my life I felt that my friends and family never took the time to hear what I had to say. I have had friends call me and vent for hours; and asking if I was ok or how I was doing often seemed like an afterthought. Can you relate to having a difficult day and someone calls you to vent, you listen but you never could express what was bothering you?

I have found that many individuals who wear the title of being the “strong one” have difficulty taking off that mask because they have not found a safe space in which they are able to be vulnerable. Individuals who are not given the space to be vulnerable often internalize their thoughts and feeling which can lead to resentment, anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc. When you feel you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and carry your problems silently along with everyone else’s you may often isolate and feel that no one cares. In experiencing this myself, I can share of few things that I have done to continue being a listening ear to family and friends while also ensuring my voice is heard.

Understanding Your Worth
The most valuable lesson you can learn is that you matter and that your voice matters. Often when you wear the mask and armor of the strong friend, people see you as a person who they can lay their burdens on and walk away feeling better. What is important to know if you identify with this role is that, you deserve to have someone to be that person for you. I am not saying to call your closest friend and verbally/emotionally vomit on them. What I am saying is that you deserve a give and take relationship in which you can take off the mask and express your needs. My personal perspective growing up was that what I felt did not matter and what I had to say did not matter either, but I had a caring heart and wanted to help people. Because of this I constantly found myself being there for others but finding I could not identify one person who was truly there for me. When you wear the “strong one” crown you often don’t show others your pain and weakness, so they don’t have a reason to probe deeper when you say, “I’m ok”. Give yourself permission to be human and accept that you need others just as much as they need you. Peak from behind your mask and test the waters to see who is willing to see the real you and be there when you need them.

Assertive Communication
The major thing that I have learned when it comes to getting what you desire out of any relationship is that you must speak your truth and ask for what you need. There are friends in my life that I love dearly but I found myself resenting them, ignoring them, and isolating myself because I felt that they just did not care. What I decided to do before completely walking away from the friendships was to peak from behind my mask. I began to talk to my friends and let them know that I felt alone, that I felt ignored, that I could not tell that they care about what was going on with me. And guess what happened? My friends apologized for taking advantage of my listening ear, they asked to know in what ways they could be there for me, and their actions began to show that they heard what I said. They began starting conversations with “How are you doing? No really, how are you really doing?” Our relationships became mutual, give-and-take. I began to know who my true support system was, and I began to feel like my mask could be put on the shelf every once in a while.

Boundaries
Now, I said that this was going to be a moment of honesty and I would be completely untruthful if I said that everyone in my life became a part of my mutual “give-and-take” support system. The tough part of advocating for yourself when you are the strong one is that you must establish boundaries, this is a must. I’ve said this in a previous blog; givers have to establish boundaries because takers don’t have any. The hardest thing that I had to do in order to create a healthier space for myself was to end relationships with people that had no intention of being there for me as I was for them. This was both difficult and hurtful but what I learned is that the cost of ending a relationship that only caused me burdens and loneliness was minimal in comparison to the cost of maintaining a draining relationship in which my voice and needs were insignificant. I will repeat “that you matter and that your voice matters”. Take stock of those who are constantly pulling on you for support and ask yourself “Is this person able to see and value my worth?” and “Am I able to communicate my needs assertively and find that this person will give to me as I have to them?” In asking yourself these questions, be honest, and consider what boundaries you need to put in place to ensure those you surround yourself with are beneficial to your overall mental health.

Reassess and Regroup
When creating boundaries, I am not saying that you must cut everyone off that does not fit the criteria of seeing your value and desiring a mutual “give-and-take” relationship. What I am suggesting is that you reassess and regroup. When you take stock of those in your life and you are aware of where they stand, it is ok to decide who gets access to you and how. There are still people in my life that I associate with and care for that do not meet the criteria for being in my close support system. I still hang out with them and chat with them, but I do not allow myself to be their dumping zone. I allow myself to ignore a call or two, I decline an outing when I am not feeling up to it, I do not allow myself to have false expectations that they will always be there for me. When people show you who they are, believe them. You have the right to choose who you allow to drain and replenish your energy. There is no guilt in allowing someone to play the part they have chosen to take in your life; remember you allowed them to audition for the role of supportive friend in the tips above.

I will close with this last tip: be the friend you desire to have. I can completely understand the burnout you experience when you are constantly the “go to” person. The armor of being the “strong one” gets heavy and it becomes easier to isolate and become a lone soldier. What I recommend, is that you take the time to connect with those in your life that really love you, share with them how you have been feeling, and take the time to build stronger connections with those who truly have your best interest in mind. If you are at a loss for a person that you can identify in your life that could be a part of your support system, I highly recommend seeking a local minister, counselor, or coach to walk with you. As I mentioned above I relate very closely with this blog topic. I’ve been there, and I understand what this feels like. My purpose is to create an environment where individuals are able to remove the mask, become vulnerable, and work through life’s issues. If you need someone you can turn to when everybody you know turns to you, contact me directly to schedule a free 30-minute consultation.

“New Year, New Me!!!”- How to Mean it When You Say It?

By M.B.S. Whole Health | January 16, 2018 | Comments 0 Comment

It’s the beginning of the new year which means everyone is creating New Year’s resolutions, setting goals, decorating vision boards, and proclaiming “New Year, New Me”. All of this is admirable however data shows that 41% of Americans make New Year’s Resolutions which center around self-improvement, weight, money, and relationships. Out of the 41% of the population that set goals for the new year, only 9.2% felt they were successful in achieving their resolution. Now some of you will look at those numbers and say, “Well there’s no point of me setting a goal then. I already know the data is stacked against me!”. I challenge you to consider what you can do differently to ensure you are making consistent progress toward your goals.

When I consider where my life was 2 years ago; it was drastically different than where I am today. This didn’t come from me running a mental, emotional, or physical marathon daily. It came from small, intentional, and consistent baby steps.

Did I push myself? “YES!”
Was it hard? “YEP!”
Did I want to give up? “On more than one occasion!”
Did I accomplish every single goal I had? “NOPE!”
Am I in a better place because I stayed the course? ABSOLUTELY!!!

Where do I start?

That is a great question and one that many people get stuck on when it comes to setting goals and establishing a plan. The starting point is simple, you need to decide what you want and understand why. I’ve found that in setting goals for myself such as finishing graduate school, starting a business, or deciding to eat healthier, the goal wasn’t what pushed me. The ‘why’ behind the goal is what drove me to continue moving forward even when I didn’t feel like it. When you understand why you desire the goal that you jotted down on paper and you can visualize what achieving that goal will do for you; then the goal becomes more than something on a list, it becomes your mission and purpose. Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to save money? Why do you want to improve or cut off that relationship? It isn’t the act of doing the task that really matters, what matters is how achieving that goal can change your life.

Being Intentional

There is no goal that was achieved by happenstance or a genie that floated out of a bottle that magically melted off 20 pounds and put an extra $10,000 in the bank. You must work the plan, or your goals are just dreams. Being intentional in your thoughts and behavior is key to achieving any goal you have. For me, my goal this year is to feed my mind positivity. To accomplish this goal, I’ve had to become very intentional about what I am spending my time doing. I journal a prayer and read a scripture to start my day, I do a quick 20-minute workout, then listen to worship music while I am getting ready for the day. While I am driving to the office I listen to podcast such as “Super Soul” or “Therapy for Black Girls”. The toughest one is I’ve decided to put my phone on ‘do not disturb’ between the hours of 10pm- 8am so that I can spend time reading. I’ve had to cut out guilty pleasures like watching a million makeup tutorials on YouTube or vegging out on Netflix at the end of the day. In being intentional with my time, I’ve found that I feel better throughout the day. Even though separately these changes are small, I end the day feeling as if I have accomplished something. Being intentional does not mean you won’t have an off day or that you are going to check everything off your list every day. It means you are choosing to make an effort toward your overall goal in small ways each day.

Be Consistent- Take Baby Steps

When I look back at the progress that I’ve made personally over the past few years, there isn’t a single action that I can pinpoint and say “there, that’s what I did to achieve my goals”. What I can say is that by remaining consistent and taking baby steps each day, week, and month I was able to see the overall progress over time. The goals you have for yourself are not likely to be accomplished overnight. Accepting that what you desire for yourself will take time will not only take the pressure off, but it will allow you to enjoy the journey. Sometimes we can get so caught up on the end result that we only see our failures and never take time to celebrate our success. I have become a fan of keeping the ‘sticky note’ app on my laptop. I use this not only as a “To Do List” but also as a tool to track all that I have accomplished. Create a “living” list of what you need to do. This is a list that you can add to as things come up. But DON’T delete what you have completed. Create a “DONE List” and track everything you have completed on your “To Do List”. Seeing this list grow will help you to know that your efforts aren’t in vain and that you are making progress. These are the baby steps. Baby steps no matter how small can move you forward if you commit to staying consistent.

But What If I Get Distracted?

I’m smart enough to know that life happens and that there will be times where you just can’t get to those 10 tasks on your “To Do List”. For me, very recently my daughter came down with the flu which meant lots of cuddle time with mommy. And guess what? That “To Do List” was now on hold. But once my daughter was feeling better I pulled up my list and saw the task I needed to get to as well as the extensive list of items that was already on my “DONE List”. See, I told you that would come in handy. For me, taking a few days off didn’t ruin my record of accomplishment of taking baby steps. I was reminded of all I accomplished as well as what I need to continue working on. Life happens to everyone and sometimes we just need a break. Take the time you need but get back to the business of working on your goals. Your goals don’t stop existing because you needed a break and you are not a failure because you needed a time out. Distractions happen but as long as you remember that slow and steady wins the race you will continue moving forward.

We all have desires for ourselves whether it be personally, professionally, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. The difference between those who set goals and those who achieve them is the individual’s willingness to be intentional and consistent. If you find that you need someone to hold you accountable, ask your spouse, friend, colleague, minister, or find a local counselor or life coach who can walk with you through this process.

If you would like to chat with me about goal setting, please contact me directly to schedule a free 30-minute consultation. I pray that you accomplish everything your heart desires and I would love to hear your success stories at the end of the year.

God Bless!!!

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Saying “Yes” when you really mean “NO!!!”

By M.B.S. Whole Health | November 13, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

I must admit that I’m a quote hoarder. As I go through social media daily, I save images and quotes that speak to me and inspire me in some way. I came across this quote and it stuck with me: “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm”. This week while working with individuals professionally and even in my personal life I saw this quote in action. As I began preparing for this post, I saw that there are many other blog posts out there on this very topic. It made me consider how many people can relate to this quote and how often this behavior shows up in our lives.

What I have learned and saw while working with others is that takers take. And takers will continue to take until either the giver has no more to give or the giver chooses to stop giving.

When you think about the quote “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm” what does this mean to you and how does this behavior show up in your life?

Do you often say “YES!” when you really want to scream “NO!!!”?
Do you consider yourself to be a people pleaser?
Do you have a habit of putting yourself last?
Do you feel guilty when you express your needs or feelings?
Do you feel that other’s needs are more important than yours?

When we give of ourselves to others to help meet their needs we often do so with the best intentions. However, when our needs are being neglected we are more likely to have resentment, stress, anxiety, loneliness, depression, anger, and other negative effects on our mental and physical health.

A few tools that I have practiced and taught to clients is the significance of Self-Worth, Assertive Communication, and Boundaries.

Understanding your Self-Worth is a critical piece in choosing to put down the matches and stop setting yourself on fire for others. When we lack self- worth or have low self-esteem it is easy to consider our needs to be invalid. Other’s needs will always be more urgent and more significant if we continue to put ourselves on the back burner. One thing I always tell my clients is that “you can’t give away what you don’t have”. When we give so much of ourselves away until we have nothing else left, the taker will flee, and we’ll be stuck to figure out how to put ourselves back together. Take time to reflect on who you are, what is important to you, and what boundaries you need to put in place to protect yourself from burning out.

Boundaries are important tools we all need to protect ourselves and establish healthy relationships. When setting a boundary, it is first important to recognize and acknowledge what we are feeling without outside influence. What are you doing when you are “setting yourself on fire” for someone? What is this person requesting of you? What effect is it having on you? Secondly, you will need to recognize how your boundary has been crossed and what boundaries you need to put in place to ensure you are not going to go back to the “self-burning” behavior. Finally, ENFORCE ENFORCE ENFORCE. A boundary is only useful when you mean what you say and show it. Using assertive communication; State your boundary (with words and actions), state the consequence if your boundary is crossed, and follow through with the consequence if your boundaries aren’t respected even if that means setting the matches down and walking away.

Assertive Communication is different from being aggressive or passive aggressive. Assertiveness is a communication style of being able to express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions in an open manner that doesn’t violate your rights or the rights of others. If we communicate in a passive manner we are not saying what we really feel or think. This means we can end up agreeing with and fulfilling other people’s needs or wants rather than our own. There are many factors and beliefs that may have caused us to be afraid of saying “no” and as a result we continuously over commit ourselves. However, it is important to recognize that you have the right to say “no” especially when it comes to your personal wellbeing. To be able to enforce your newly established boundaries it will be important for you to begin challenging and disputing the thoughts that tell you that saying “no” is not ok. This can often be done with a therapist using Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). As you work through becoming comfortable with saying “no”, you will find that standing up for yourself and wellbeing will be the fire extinguisher needed to set yourself free from the self-sacrificial fire you have started.

Additional Resources can be found at http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/index.cfm

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You Cannot Pray Mental Illness Away

By M.B.S. Whole Health | October 24, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

The conversation about mental health is just beginning to be more than a mere whisper. We are beginning to see characters on our favorite shows talking to a therapist. Our favorite actors, actresses, and musicians are starting to become more open about their experiences with poor mental health and making the decision to seek counseling. We have also witnessed the devastating effects of famous individuals who have decided to end their lives; which has raised awareness on the importance of mental health care.

Even with the increased discussion surrounding mental health, there is still work to be done to help individuals to value their mental health as they would their physical health.

Similar to most, I am guilty of indulging in watching reality tv. I was recently watching an episode of the reality show Mary Mary which follows the lives of the two-gospel artist Tina and Erica Campbell. In this episode there was a scene where Tina’s husband presents to her concerns that their daughter may be dealing with depression. It was Tina’s initial reaction that she was not going to “speak that over her daughter” and how this just could not be true. Her reaction showed that she thought depression was only a trick of the devil and it just needed to be prayed away.

This scene made me consider how many believers in the church may be struggling with their mental health; they could be dealing with depression, anxiety, overwhelming stress, grief, mood instability, or even thoughts of suicide. What can these individuals do to get support if their fellow believers response to their cry for help is “don’t speak that over your life” or “that’s just the devil playing with your head” or “just pray and have faith and it will all go away”.

I’d like to pose a few questions. If someone stood before you with a broken leg, would you tell them “don’t speak that over your life”? If your child has boils covering their body, would your response be, “just pray and have faith and it will all go away”? What if you were diagnosed with cancer would you say, “that’s just the devil playing with your head”?

If we look at the example that Jesus set, we will see him throughout the Bible healing the physical needs of individuals in order to truly touch the spiritual. Healing was essential to the ministry of Jesus because healings offered indisputable evidence that He is the Christ of God. Healing was also essential to the ministry of Jesus because He envisioned healing as a physical symbol of forgiveness. Matthew 9:20-22, Matthew 9:35, Mark 2:9-12, Luke 17:12-16, and John 9:6-7, are just a few examples of how Jesus addressed physical ailments and through healing brought glory to the name of God.

From a psychological stand point we will consider Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which states that the basic needs for human survival must be met before one is able to care for their higher level of needs (i.e. intimacy and spirituality). Individuals who are hungry, broken, or depressed need their physical and/or emotional pain addressed before they are able to be fully open to spiritual healing.

God created us to be in community with one another, to support one another, and to utilize our gifts to help one another. When we react out of faith instead of fear, we will be more willing to be compassionate to each other.

Here are a few ways that believers can begin to understand and embrace mental health care?

Understanding that mental Illness is just as important as physical illness: Just as you would attend to a health issue, mental health needs the same level of attention. Mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, grief, mood instability, thoughts of suicide are not a sin; these are illnesses that need to be addressed and healed. Ignoring an illness does not make it go away, ignoring symptoms can intensify the pain and prolong the healing process.
Put feet to our faith and releasing the fear: People are not as comfortable talking about mental health issues which can lead to fear, shame, and avoidance. We often fear what we do not understand, and this fear can paralyze us from addressing the issues. Mental health issues aren’t new, and it isn’t exclusive to any specific race, gender, religion, or socioeconomic background. Being willing to start the conversation with openness and acceptance will keep us from struggling alone. We must follow the example of Christ by being willing to meet the basic needs for human survival, to include addressing both mental and physical illness.
Realizing your limitations: As believers we are given the gift of prayer which is essential to our belief and power through Christ. However, it is also important to know that prayer cannot be the only tool to combat mental illness. We have to be willing to embrace being open to talking about struggles fellow believers face surrounding their mental health. You cannot pray mental illness away. We have to be willing to remove the stigma attached to mental illness and become comfortable with seeking help from a mental health professional; that begins with getting to know the Christian Counselors, Coaches, and Psychiatrist in your area.

As believers we have to remember not to be so heavenly minded that we are no earthly good. If you or someone you know needs mental health support, please take the time to find a local mental health professional who is qualified to walk with you toward your healing.

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Moving From Comparison to Self-Acceptance

By M.B.S. Whole Health | October 17, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

Envy is defined as a desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to someone else. With the wide-spread use of social media, we are constantly watching the best version of others via photos or videos as we scroll through our time lines. We see the most luxurious trips our friends are going on, food they are eating, stores they are shopping at, relationships they have, and how many ‘likes’ they receive on each and every post. As an outsider looking in, this person’s life looks darn near perfect. We tend to see the perfect picture of others and then look at our reality and ask, “why can’t my life be more like that?” “why does she get everything?” “how did he deserve that job?” “what is wrong with me?”

I’d like to ask you a question, when was the last time you were willing to put your worst on camera for the world to see? When was the last time you decided to pose for a picture when you didn’t have it all together? For most of us the answer is never. We have to cut ourselves some slack and take what we see for what it is. We have been trained to only show our best, so it is no wonder that we are only exposed to the good our friends on social media are experiencing. When we constantly compare our reality to the “reality” that others allow us to see we will continue to feel less than.

“Comparison is the thief of joy”, this means as long as you are looking at someone else’s plate longing for what they have you will never be satisfied with what is in front of you. There is a saying “never compare someone’s middle to your beginning”. When you look at someone else and envy their success without truly taking the time to understand what it took to get them there, you are feeding yourself a false reality or an illusion. Each and every one of us has our own journey to walk, which comes with its own share of struggles, trials, and successes. We do harm to ourselves when we allow comparison and envy to take away our self-satisfaction.

If you find that you are struggling with comparing yourself to others, I suggest that you ask yourself this question “Do I really accept myself for who I am?” and here’s the kicker you have to answer that question honestly. Self-acceptance comes from embracing who you are wholeheartedly. When you accept yourself flaws and all, you will be able to see others from a more realistic point of view. With true self-acceptance, the envy you felt toward others will become a genuine joy for their accomplishments. You will be able to utilize the success of others as a motivating factor; instead of wanting what they have you can begin to achieve your goals as well.

But how do you get from a place of comparison to self-acceptance? The journey begins with you. If you are willing to take an honest look at yourself and learn to appreciate what makes you unique this is where the process begins. The journey to self-acceptance does not have to be taken alone, reach out to someone you trust to walk with you.

Looking for someone to walk with you on this path toward self-acceptance? Take the next step and click the “contact” link to schedule a consultation with me and we can start this journey together.

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Instincts- What signals are you currently ignoring?

By M.B.S. Whole Health | October 10, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

Instinct, intuition, discernment: these are innate gifts that are given to us for protection. Our body can sense danger and triggers a physiological response that tells us to fight of flee. Our brain constantly scans the environment for warnings/ triggers and indicates to our body how we should react. We may be walking down the street, and something tells us not to cross as we shortly see a car speed around the corner. We could be driving, and something tells us to take another route, later we find that there was an accident on the highway we usually take home. We can also encounter a sales person who gives us a bad vibe, and something tells us this person does not have my best interest in mind. My question for you is how do you listen to your instincts, especially when it comes to relationships?

Let’s paint a picture: You meet someone new, they are attractive, and seem to meet all of your relationship check boxes. They are attentive and want to listen to all your past hurts, needs, wants, and desires. This person seems to be perfect even though you’ve noticed that sometimes they raise their voice at you when they are frustrated. And yes, you’ve noticed that they can be slightly critical of your appearance. Oh, and they can often put you down and make you feel uneducated. But, they know what’s best for you right? You’ve told them what you wanted and needed so they are just looking out for you, right? As the relationship progresses have you begun to see the loving side of them less often than the controlling and judgmental side? Do you find yourself making excuses for their behavior?

If you have ever found yourself in a similar situation or are currently in one, I am curious to know what did your instincts show you about this person? What signs did you ignore? What signals are you currently ignoring that is telling you that this person or situation does not mean you well? An article written by Judith Orloff, PhD, identified instincts that you should pay attention to.

1: “Something feels wrong in my body”

“Intuition allows you to get the first warning signs when anything is off in your body so that you can address it. If you have a gut feeling about your body — that something is toxic, weak or ‘off’ — listen to it.”

2: “I’m in danger”

The feeling you get about a person in the first 10 seconds can tell you a lot. Though it is important to check your gut feelings against your rational mind whenever possible there are simple ways you can attend to what feels like a warning signal. For example, in the short term you can remove from an environment or relationship when your body tells you it is unsafe.

Our bodies are wired to offer us protection, when we ignore our instincts we are permitting danger to come our way whether it is physical, mental, and/or emotional. The good thing is, even if you ignored your instincts in the past, you have the choice to pay closer attention now. If you find yourself in a relationship or situation that you know is unhealthy and will only cause you harm, please put your safety first. If you are in a relationship that is mentally, emotionally, or physically abusive there are options available to help you get out of this situation. Please reach out to a domestic violence hotline, a trusted friend or family member, or a local mental health professional.

If you need assistance with leaving an unhealthy relationship or situation, please feel free to contact me discreetly to set up a consultation.

For Additional Reading: 5 Gut instincts you shouldn’t ignore – Experience life. (2010, November).

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Forgiveness- Do I Have To?

By M.B.S. Whole Health | October 3, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

Forgiveness… that is such a loaded word. What does it mean? Why is it necessary? Do I really have to? I am sure you have heard the statement “forgiveness is for you and not the other person” plenty of times. But, do you believe that? What is your forgiveness track record? I think before we get into forgiveness talk we should start with the offense. Trust me, I have had a fair share of transgressions taken against me: abandonment, childhood sexual abuse, abusive relationships, betrayal by family members, backstabbing from friends, and so on. I understand how cruel this world can be and how it can leave you feeling used and abused. So, when the word forgiveness comes up the first thing that may come to mind is “but you don’t know what they did to me” “you don’t know how much that damaged me” “but they never even said they were sorry!!”

I hear you, I feel your pain, I understand. What I have learned in my journey is that I have no control of people. Some people will take and hurt and walk away like nothing happened. And we are left holding the broken pieces wondering how to put our lives back together. I know it may be cliché, but I promise you that forgiveness is not about the other person. I also promise that forgiveness does not mean you agree with what was done or you liked what was done or that you can forget about what was done. Forgiveness does not magically erase the wrongdoing.

Forgiveness allows you to:

Reflect on the facts of what occurred
Take an honest assessment of how you were affected (mentally, physically, and/or emotionally)
Have the right to choose to release yourself from the feelings of hate, anger, and revenge
Empowers you to no longer be defined or victimized by what was done to you
Equips you to create boundaries as you move forward

Just as difficult as it can be to forgive someone else, I have learned that it is often even harder to forgive ourselves. We may forgive those who have hurt us but how often do we beat ourselves up about what we could have done better? or what we should have done? or how could we have allowed this to happen? A lot of times we hold ourselves up to such unattainable standards that we make ourselves hostage to the “should of- could of”.

Self-forgiveness allows you to:

Be honest with yourself about any part that you played in the harm of yourself or others
Understand that it is human to make mistakes
Ask for forgiveness (from yourself, others, and/or your higher power)
Move from a place of guilt and shame to true self-acceptance

Forgiveness (of yourself and others) is an essential tool in becoming emotionally healthy and having peace of mind. I know it can be hard to forgive and knowing how to start this process can be even harder. My recommendation would be to seek help to begin this journey. A counselor is equipped to walk with you as you address the pain of wrongdoings and they will support you as move toward a place of acceptance and forgiveness.

Looking for someone to walk with you on this path of forgiveness? Take the next step and click the “contact” link to schedule a consultation.

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What is that “thing” you are running from?

By M.B.S. Whole Health | September 26, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

It is a common saying in addiction treatment that “secrets keep you sick” and “you’re only as sick as your secrets”. This saying not only applies to individuals who are dealing with chemical dependency but also to every one of us who chooses to suffer in silence rather than reveal our struggles to the ones who love us. But where does this need to hide come from? Have you ever wanted to talk to a friend, spouse, or family member about something that is pressing on your heart but instead you choose to keep it inside? What is that “thing” you are running from? Is it the fear of embarrassment? The fear of judgment? The fear of disappointment? The fear of no longer living up to their expectations? Are you afraid that they will treat you differently? That they won’t listen to what you have to say? That they will try to “fix” you?

The act of being able to get things out of your head and speak them is such a cathartic experience that God told us that we can speak things into existence (Romans 4:17) and that life and death is in the power of our tongues (Proverbs 18:21). If you understand what power you have by simply speaking, it is no wonder why our tongues are often held captive by fear and shame.

Fear and shame is like a fungus that breeds and grows in darkness; the longer we hold things inside and try to cover them up the more fear and shame keeps us silent. The quote in the image above states that talking has the ability to kill the power, of the thoughts in our minds, by allowing the truth of things to hit the air. What does this really mean? I have sat across from clients who are speaking thoughts that have been running circles in their mind creating fear, worry, and anxiety. As they begin to speak these thoughts aloud I can see the light bulb go off, they often say “now that I hear myself say it aloud, I really should have done this or I really should not have worried about that”. Speaking things aloud allows you to hear what you have said, decipher if what you have said is true, and empowers you to choose what to do with this new information.

I know it can be hard to open up and share your thoughts or secrets, especially if you have been holding on to it for so long. But I implore you to consider talking to someone; maybe a close trusted friend, spouse, family member, clergy member, or a local counselor. Set the stage for your needs; it is fair to ask this person to simply listen, without judgment or feedback, and just give you the opportunity to share what has been on your mind and heart. If you’re thinking, “I’m not ready to share this secret with someone else just yet”, remember that God is always available, ready, and willing to listen (Psalm 61).

A friend is someone you share the path with. ~ African proverb

Looking for a safe space to begin the conversation? Take the next step and contact me if you have any questions or would like to schedule a 30-minute consultation.

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