When Trying Harder Isn’t Enough: Understanding ADHD in Women
By Natasha Montgomery, M.A., LPC-S, LCDC
Some people make keeping up look easy. They show up prepared. They remember the details. They have another list, another reminder, another way to make sure nothing slips through the cracks.
What we do not always see is how much effort it takes to keep that going.
In this episode of This Therapist Has Problems, I sit down with Krista Day-Gloe, a therapist, author, and founder of Healing Roots Wellness Center, to talk about ADHD in women and being diagnosed later in life. Krista speaks from both her clinical work and her own experience. Our conversation kept bringing me back to a question: how often do we recognize what someone accomplishes without asking what it costs them to accomplish it?
[Watch my full conversation with Krista Day-Gloe: https://youtu.be/SuLqxs7dvC0]
Content note: This episode includes personal experiences with medication, disordered eating, and a brief mention of self-harm urges. Please consider what feels manageable to listen to today.
When the outside does not match the inside
Krista describes herself as someone who could run a business, write a book, and stay highly organized. Those accomplishments were real. So was the struggle she was trying to understand.
I think there is room for us to hold both of those things. Someone can be capable and still need support. Someone can have systems that work and still feel exhausted by the effort of maintaining them. Completing the task does not tell us everything about the experience of completing it.
That does not mean every busy or overwhelmed woman has ADHD. It means I do not want achievement to end the conversation before we have asked better questions.
When Krista talks about bringing information to her doctor, I hear someone trying to make sense of a pattern. The question was bigger than whether she had forgotten something on one occasion. She was looking at experiences across her life that had not felt fully explained.
A later diagnosis can change the story you tell yourself
One of the first things we discuss is the grief that can come with receiving a diagnosis later in life. Relief may be part of it. So may questions about the years before it.
What might have been different if I had understood this sooner? Why did I spend so long assuming I was the problem? What do I do with the frustration I feel now?
I do not think those questions need to be rushed into a positive lesson. There can be space to appreciate new understanding while acknowledging what was difficult. A diagnosis does not erase earlier experiences, but it can offer a different way to understand them.
The National Institute of Mental Health notes that ADHD symptoms in girls and women are especially likely to have been missed in childhood. Adults may also have had support or coping systems that made their difficulties less visible until demands changed. That context matters when someone wonders why this was not recognized earlier. Learn more from NIMH.
I also want to leave room for the person still asking questions. You do not need to arrive at an appointment with the perfect explanation. You can begin with, “This keeps happening, and it is affecting my life. Can we look at it together?”
Masking can hide the effort behind the performance
During our conversation, Krista describes the person with many lists who is deeply afraid of making a mistake. The organization is visible. The shame underneath it may not be.
That stood out to me because support can become harder to ask for when others have already decided you are the one who has everything handled. You may worry that showing difficulty will change how people see you. You may have learned to stay quiet, work longer, or find another way to compensate.
In this conversation, masking refers to efforts to hide or manage difficulties so they are less noticeable to other people. It is not a diagnostic test. Lists, doodling, fidgeting, or needing quiet do not establish ADHD on their own. But the reason behind a habit, the effort involved, and the impact on daily life may be worth exploring.
I would rather ask, “What helps you participate and feel supported?” than assume that looking still or looking organized means everything is easy.
Your body belongs in the conversation
Krista also talks about noticing changes in her mood and capacity alongside her menstrual cycle. Her interest in those patterns became part of the work behind Mood & Moon.
There is emerging research on relationships between ovarian hormones and ADHD symptoms. One small study followed 32 regularly cycling young women and found associations between hormonal changes and reported ADHD symptoms. That finding supports further investigation; it does not provide a universal calendar for how every woman will feel or a treatment plan for an individual. Read the study abstract.
For me, the practical invitation is curiosity. If some days consistently feel different, what do you notice about sleep, stress, physical symptoms, daily demands, and, when relevant, your menstrual cycle? What information would help you describe the pattern to your provider?
Tracking does not need to become another test you are failing. A brief note can be enough to begin a conversation. You can also decide that daily tracking feels too burdensome and ask your clinician for a simpler approach. If symptoms are severe or getting worse, you do not need to finish a month of notes before seeking care.
Krista’s printable chart can support observation. It does not measure your hormone levels, diagnose ADHD, or tell you to change medication. Hormonal concerns and ADHD deserve individualized assessment, and not every change in mood or concentration has the same explanation.
Recognition is a reason to ask questions
I appreciate that podcasts and social media can give people language for experiences they have struggled to explain. Hearing someone describe something familiar can make it easier to seek help.
That moment of recognition is a starting point. Adult ADHD assessment considers a person’s history, including childhood symptoms, current difficulties, and other possible explanations. Anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and other concerns can overlap with the experiences people associate with ADHD. A qualified provider can help sort through that fuller picture. See the CDC’s adult ADHD information.
Before an appointment, you might write down:
- A few concrete examples of what has been difficult at work, at home, or in other settings.
- What you remember about earlier patterns and when the difficulties became more noticeable.
- The systems you use to keep up and how much effort those systems require.
- Changes in sleep, stress, physical health, or menstrual patterns that seem relevant.
- What you would like help with first.
The goal is not to prove that you fit a label. It is to help someone understand what you are experiencing.
You do not have to earn treatment by exhausting yourself
Krista shares what treatment has meant for her personally. I want to preserve the humanity in that part of the conversation while being clear that one person’s experience cannot predict another person’s response.
ADHD care can include medication, psychotherapy, and practical support. Treatment decisions should reflect an individual’s needs, health history, preferences, and follow-up with a qualified provider. NIMH explains common adult treatment options.
I do not want anyone leaving this conversation believing they must try every supplement before discussing medication, or that feeling calmer after a stimulant is a diagnostic test. NCCIH reports that complementary approaches have not been conclusively shown to be more effective than conventional ADHD therapies. Questions about supplements belong in a conversation with a medical provider, including questions about interactions and safety. Read NCCIH’s overview.
Needing help does not mean you failed to try hard enough. And having questions about treatment does not mean you are resisting help. Those questions deserve time and clear answers.
Let the people supporting you communicate
One of my favorite parts of this conversation is our discussion of coordinated care. I want us to be curious about the whole person, not only the part that fits one appointment.
If you work with both a therapist and a medical provider, you can ask whether communication between them would help. With your permission and an appropriate release of information, they may be able to share relevant observations and coordinate within their professional roles.
That does not mean every symptom requires a laboratory panel or that one clinician should practice outside their scope. It means you can ask, “Would it help for the people on my care team to be on the same page?”
I hope you leave this episode with more room for that kind of question. More room to describe what has been difficult. More room to acknowledge the work nobody else sees. And more room to seek care without making yourself prove that you are struggling enough to deserve it.
Reflection: What is one part of daily life where you would like more support and less self-judgment?
[Watch When Trying Harder Isn’t Enough with Krista Day-Gloe: https://youtu.be/SuLqxs7dvC0]
Meet Krista and explore her resources
Krista Day-Gloe, LSCSW, is a therapist, author of Mood & Moon, speaker, and founder of Healing Roots Wellness Center. She brings professional and lived experience to conversations about late-diagnosed ADHD and understanding the relationship between the body and mental health.
Resources Krista discussed or supplied:
- Healing Roots Wellness Center
- Mood & Moon
- Free printable chart listing
- Body-Led Mental Health on Substack
- Instagram and Facebook
- TikTok
- Professional inquiries: krista@hrwcservices.com
Additional educational resources I selected:
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Through M.B.S. Whole Health, I offer adult individual counseling, life coaching, and LPC Associate supervision. My work makes room for honest conversations about anxiety, trauma, self-understanding, and the support people need to move forward.
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This article and episode are educational. They are not therapy, a diagnosis, or individualized medical advice. Consult your provider about treatment, medication, supplements, or concerning changes in symptoms. In the U.S., call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org for emotional crisis support. My inquiry form and social accounts are not crisis services.
