Do you ever feel like you have to constantly be doing something—checking off to-do lists, chasing goals, or working on your next big thing? Do you struggle to relax, even when you finally have a free moment? If so, you’re not alone.

Hustle culture has convinced us that success is only possible through nonstop productivity. Whether it’s juggling a full-time job and a side hustle, building a brand, or climbing the corporate ladder, we are constantly told that if we’re not working harder, we’re falling behind.

But here’s the truth: Always being in “go” mode isn’t sustainable.

I know this struggle firsthand. No matter how much I accomplish, my brain is always thinking about what’s next. Even in my so-called “free time,” I find myself planning, strategizing, or thinking about how I can be more productive. And when I do try to rest? That little voice in my head whispers, You could be getting ahead right now.

In this week’s episode of This Therapist Has Problems Podcast, I’m diving into the side effects of hustle culture, how it impacts our mental health, and what we can do to redefine success in a way that actually serves us.

What Is Hustle Culture?

Hustle culture isn’t just about working hard—it’s about the toxic pressure to always be working. It’s the idea that slowing down means falling behind, and that if you’re not constantly producing, you’re wasting time.

After the pandemic, this mindset only intensified. Suddenly, it felt like everyone needed an LLC, a passive income stream, or a second job just to stay afloat. Social media made it seem like if you weren’t working multiple jobs or turning every hobby into a business, you were doing life wrong.

The problem? Hustle culture convinces us that we’ll only be happy after we reach a certain level of success. But in reality, there’s always another goal, another level, another reason to keep pushing.

The Hidden Toll of Always Being “On”

For years, I thought I was just being ambitious. But the truth is, I was running myself into the ground.

I would push myself so hard that eventually, my body would force me to stop—either through burnout, exhaustion, or getting sick. I would go through cycles of working nonstop, hitting a wall, and then barely functioning until I recovered, only to start the process all over again.

Hustle culture doesn’t just drain your energy—it takes a toll on your mental health, relationships, and physical well-being. It leads to chronic stress, anxiety, and even depression because we never feel like we’re doing enough. We tell ourselves, I’ll rest when I reach my goal, but by the time we get there, we’ve already moved the goalpost.

Breaking Free from the Hustle Mentality

If you’ve been caught in the cycle of do more, achieve more, be more, it’s time to take a step back. You don’t have to quit your ambitions, but you do need to redefine success in a way that doesn’t require sacrificing yourself in the process.

For me, that meant realizing that my worth isn’t tied to my productivity. Success isn’t just about accomplishments—it’s about creating a life that allows for both achievement and rest.

One shift that helped? Actually celebrating my wins instead of immediately moving to the next goal. I used to check off a milestone and think, Okay, what’s next? without even pausing to acknowledge what I had just accomplished. Learning to take a moment to appreciate my progress made a huge difference.

Another thing I had to work on was giving myself permission to rest. Not because I was completely burned out, but because rest is necessary. Hustle culture makes us feel like we have to earn rest, but the reality is, rest should be a regular part of our lives—not just something we do when we have nothing left to give.

And finally, I had to remind myself that comparison is the thief of joy. Watching people online who seem to have it all together can make you feel like you’re behind, but the truth is, we’re all moving at our own pace. Success looks different for everyone, and what matters most is what feels fulfilling to you.

Finding a Healthier Balance

Hustle culture tells us that if we’re not working, we’re failing. But real success isn’t about how busy you are—it’s about building a life that actually feels good to live.

Take a moment to ask yourself:

• What does success really mean to me?
• What goals am I working toward—and why?
• How can I build in more intentional rest without feeling guilty?

If you’ve been running on empty, this is your sign to slow down. Hustling isn’t the goal—creating a fulfilling life is.

What will your next step be?

Take a moment to reflect—how has hustle culture impacted you? Are you giving yourself the space to rest and recharge, or are you stuck in the cycle of doing more, achieving more, and never feeling like it’s enough?

Share your thoughts or a goal for creating more balance in the comments below. Let’s hold each other accountable and commit to building a life that includes both ambition and rest—because success shouldn’t come at the cost of our well-being.
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Thank you for stepping into this space with me. Remember, breaking free from hustle culture takes intention, self-awareness, and the courage to slow down. I’m here with you every step of the way. Let’s start the conversation.

And if you haven’t already, be sure to check out this week’s podcast episode for an even deeper dive into this conversation:

🎧 Watch now: Side Effects of Hustle Culture

Let’s stop glorifying burnout and start embracing balance.

In our fast-paced, often isolating world, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to handle everything on our own. Yet, as I’ve learned firsthand, we are not built to do life by ourselves. Whether it’s through family, friends, or community connections, having a reliable support system is not only natural—it’s essential.

Why a Support System Matters

Our human DNA is wired for connection. We thrive when we’re surrounded by people who care, listen, and show up for us. In a recent conversation on my podcast, I reflected on a time when I was sick and chose not to reach out for help. I believed that keeping my struggles to myself would protect others from worry. But in doing so, I missed out on the chance to experience genuine care. My Texas mom, for example, gently reminded me, “Let me decide how I want to show up for you,” highlighting that sometimes, we need to allow others the opportunity to be there for us.

My Personal Journey

For a long time, I struggled with building a solid support system. Growing up, I didn’t always feel connected to my parents or siblings, and I fell into the familiar role of the helper—always listening but rarely sharing my own vulnerabilities. It wasn’t until I faced challenging life events, like going through a divorce and experiencing illness, that I recognized something important: if I don’t lean on others, I’m doing life alone, and that isn’t sustainable.

When I was under the weather recently, I reached out to just one friend instead of sharing my struggle with my family. The aftermath was eye-opening. Both my family and friends questioned why I hadn’t let them in, which made me realize that being open and asking for help is not a burden to those who love you—it’s an opportunity for connection.

Embracing Vulnerability

One of the most challenging parts of building a support system is opening up. Vulnerability is the cornerstone of deep, meaningful relationships. I learned that to truly receive support, I needed to allow myself to be seen—not just as the strong, independent person, but as someone who also needs care. By sharing my feelings and experiences, I began to repair and strengthen relationships that once felt distant.

It wasn’t an overnight transformation. It took hard conversations, a willingness to face discomfort, and a conscious decision to let people in. But every small step, from a long phone call with my mom to opening up with my sorority sisters, helped me build a network where trust and mutual support could flourish.

Practical Steps to Build Your Support System

If you feel that your current support system isn’t enough or doesn’t exist, know that it’s never too late to start building one. Here are some actionable steps that helped me, and might help you, cultivate a more connected and supportive network:

1. Reflect on Your Circle:
   Take a moment to think about the people already in your life. Who are they? What roles do they play? It might be a parent, a friend from high school, or even a co-worker. Ask yourself if these relationships are meeting your emotional needs.
2. Be Intentional About Connection:
   Instead of waiting for support to come to you, actively reach out. This might mean setting aside time to call a loved one, inviting a friend for coffee, or simply sending a message to check in. Your support system won’t build itself—it requires effort and intentionality.
3. Utilize Your Communities:
   Leverage the groups you’re already a part of. Whether it’s a sorority, a church group, or an online community like a Facebook group or even a dedicated friend-finding app like Bumble BFF, these communities offer a built-in network of potential connections with shared interests.
4. Accept That It Takes Time:
   Building trust and deep relationships doesn’t happen overnight. Start by sharing small pieces of yourself and see how others respond. Over time, these small acts of vulnerability can lead to more significant and fulfilling connections.
5. Set Realistic Expectations:
   Understand that no one person will fulfill every emotional need. A robust support system often includes different people for different types of support—some who are great for everyday fun, and others who can help you through life’s toughest moments.

Moving Forward Together

Life can be challenging, and it’s important to remember that reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness—it’s a courageous step toward healing and growth. I invite you to reflect on your own support system. Who are the people in your life who you can lean on? If you feel that there’s room for improvement, challenge yourself to take one small step today. Whether it’s rekindling an old friendship or joining a new group, know that you have the power to build the network you deserve.

What will your next step be?
Share your thoughts or a goal for strengthening your support system in the comments below. Let’s hold each other accountable and grow together—because none of us are meant to do life alone.

Thank you for being here. Let’s start the conversation.

Thank you for stepping into this space with me. Remember, building a support system takes work, vulnerability, and the willingness to let others in. I’m here with you every step of the way.

💬 Let’s Connect! Share your thoughts in the comments or let me know what topics you’d like to discuss. And don’t forget to subscribe to This Therapist Has Problems on your YouTube!

ThisTherapistHasProblemsPodcast #MBSWholeHealth #DFWTherapist #FortWorthTherapist #TexasTherapist #KellerTherapist #TTHPPodcast #Counselor #PodcastPremiere #SupportSystem #MentalHealthMatters #Healing #TherapyTalk #BlackTherapist #TherapistWhoGetsIt #SelfCare #SelfGrowth #Boundaries #EmotionalWellness #BlackWomenInTherapy #HealingJourney #TherapyForBlackWomen #VulnerabilityIsStrength #PersonalGrowth #MentalWellness #YouAreNotAlone #LifeBalance

Have you ever given someone advice only to realize that you needed to take that advice yourself? That was me. I found myself telling a client, “You need to plan to start, not plan for perfection,” and in that moment, I knew I had to listen to my own words. So, here I am, officially launching This Therapist Has Problems Podcast—a space for raw, honest conversations about mental health.

For years, I dreamed of starting this podcast, but perfectionism held me back. I recorded this first episode multiple times, trying to get everything just right. Then it hit me: the message was more important than the perfect delivery. So, I took a deep breath and started.

Why This Podcast?

As a licensed professional counselor and certified life coach, I have dedicated my career to helping others navigate their mental health. But beyond my credentials, I’m a Black woman who has experienced depression, isolation, and the struggle to find my voice. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to prioritize mental health—especially in the African American community, where stigma and silence often surround these conversations.

I created This Therapist Has Problems Podcast to break that silence. This podcast isn’t just about therapy from a professional standpoint; it’s about being human. Even as a therapist, I go through life’s ups and downs, and I want to create a space where we can be real about it.

My Mental Health Journey

Growing up, I was the go-to listener—the friend everyone turned to for advice. But in being that person, I lost my own voice. I struggled to express my feelings and often battled silent depression. My journey took me through corporate America, where I climbed the ladder of success but felt unfulfilled. Eventually, I found my way back to my passion: mental health. I took a leap of faith, went back to school, and built my private practice, M.B.S Whole Health—focusing on the mind, body, and spirit connection.

Why Mental Health Matters

Mental health isn’t just a buzzword; it’s a crucial part of our overall well-being. Yet, so many of us push through life ignoring the warning signs—stress, anxiety, depression—thinking we can just “handle it.” But handling it doesn’t mean suffering in silence. It means seeking support, finding resources, and giving ourselves permission to heal.

So, let me ask you: How comfortable are you with talking about your mental health? Do you recognize when you’re struggling? Do you have a plan for seeking help? If not, that’s okay. This is why we’re here—to start the conversation.

Finding a Therapist: Where to Start

If you’ve been considering therapy but don’t know where to start, here are a few steps:

1. Check with Your Insurance Provider: Many insurance plans cover mental health services. Call the number on the back of your card or check their website to find in-network therapists.
2. Use Online Directories: Websites like PsychologyToday.com, TherapyForBlackGirls.com, and TherapyForBlackMen.org can help you find a therapist who aligns with your needs.
3. Explore Employee Assistance Programs (EAP): Some workplaces offer free therapy sessions through EAP benefits. Check with your HR department.
4. Look on Social Media: Many therapists share insights on platforms like Instagram and TikTok, giving you a feel for their style and approach.
5. Schedule a Consultation: Some therapists offer free or low-cost consultations to see if they’re the right fit for you.

Join Me on This Journey

Mental health is a journey, not a destination. Whether you’re new to therapy, struggling with self-care, or just looking for a space to feel seen and heard, this podcast is for you. I invite you to step into my office as we figure this out together.

Thank you for being here. Let’s start the conversation.

💬 Let’s Connect! Share your thoughts in the comments or let me know what topics you’d like to discuss. And don’t forget to subscribe to This Therapist Has Problems on your YouTube!

#ThisTherapistHasProblems #MentalHealth #BlackMentalHealth #SelfCare #Podcast #Authenticity #HealingJourney

Now I know from my own cultural background when you start talking about someone’s mother all defenses go up and the boxing gloves come out. Let me ease your defenses by stating that as a mom myself and coming from a long line of strong women, I understand the many hats that mom’s wear. Often, we must be comforter, entertainer, doctor, housekeeper, chef, chauffeur, coach, teacher, etc. This post is not at all to diminish the importance of your mom/support person and the role they play in your life. However, it is to bring light to the scope of expertise your support person may have when it comes to mental health issues.

Now that I have calmed your concerns that I would be “ragging” on your mom (support system) in this post, let me explain further what I mean when I say your mom is NOT your therapist by painting a picture.

Have you ever been stressed out, overwhelmed, emotional, angry, etc. and you pick up the phone to call your ____ (insert family member or friend) with the hope that they will listen empathically, understand your perspective, give you feedback and encouragement, and build you back up. But instead this person:

• Doesn’t answer the phone
• Half listens before going into how they have a similar issue.
• Tells you that you are overreacting and too emotional
• Chastises you for making the same mistake that you’ve made in the past
• Reads you a few Bible scriptures, says a prayer, and then sends you on your way
• Completely sides with everything you say without giving you honest constructive feedback

Don’t get me wrong, having family and friends to go to in our time of distress is important and this helps us to feel connected to our support system. God created us to be in community with one another. However, I think we must be aware of our family’s limitations and capability of providing us with the support that we need when we are in crisis situations. I will discuss a few things that play a role in limiting our family’s capacity to support our mental health.

Cultural and Spiritual Factors

Cultural and historical events play a role in older generations being able to connect on an emotional level. Speaking specifically from my cultural background, there wasn’t much room to sit and talk about feelings or to discuss hardship. It was understood that difficulties would be there, everyone was experiencing them so there was no point of talking about it. The mindset was to be strong, pray about it, and push through it. I wrote a blog post on the role Christianity plays in mental health which is a good reference for this current post (http://mbswholehealth.com/you-cannot-pray-mental-illness-away/). When we think about our parents and grandparent’s generation and their view on mental health, therapy was not often considered because church was there therapy.

From my personal background, I do not know of anyone in my family who had gone to therapy. Feelings were not largely discussed and there wasn’t an open forum for that. We spent a lot of time laughing and joking over the dinner table but there wasn’t a space for deep conversations about the state of our mental health. There was a period in my life where I felt that I was broken because I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. No one in my family had ever said they dealt with this so I felt I was the only one. This led me to further isolate and begin to wear the mask that everything was ok.

Action Item: When considering reaching out to your family for support understand that they can only support you from there span of knowledge and experiences. Your parents may not understand what depression looks like, or that they need to probe a bit deeper when you tell them that you are sad. This does not mean that they do not care, it simply means you may need to seek support from someone who is equipped to understand your issues.

Objectivity

I love family but one thing I know is that they can either be a crutch or a speedbump. What I mean by this is that your family have known you your entire life, so they see you through a lens of their experiences with you.

• If you are known to be strong and responsible your family’s response to your cry for help may be, “oh you are strong, you’ll figure it out” or “you are smart, you will get through this”.
• If you have a history of being emotional, their response can be that you need to “toughen up” or “you’re always so emotional”
• If you’ve had struggles in your life and have made some mistakes, your family’s response may be “here we go again” or “didn’t you say this same thing last time”

These are just a few examples, but it shows that your family has viewed your “track record” so it may be hard for them to decipher when you are truly in need of support and/or constructive feedback. Some family members may side with you and agree with your decision making no matter how destructive it may be. Other family members may oppose every decision you make based on their own perceptions or world view. It is important to note that mental health professionals are not ethically allowed to provide therapeutic services for family or friends. I believe this is largely because it is difficult (even for professionals) to be unbiased when you are closely connected to someone.

Action Item: If you are reaching out to family, please understand the support they give you will be funneled through the lens of their past experiences and current ideals they have about you. There are times in our lives when we need a space to be open and discuss issues and receive objective feedback. This is completely ok and does not mean that we love our family any less.

Accessibility

We all know the feeling when you call someone and the phone rings and rings. It can be especially hurtful when you are in desperate need to connect with that person. What I often hear from individuals who are struggling with mental health issues is that they feel alone, they are the only one dealing with their issues, and no one cares. It takes strength to be willing to reach out to a love one for help and share that you are struggling with an issue. It can be equally as lonely and hurtful when that person is unavailable or disconnected from the conversation.

A common issue that I’ve seen when people reach out for help is that their loved ones do not understand when they need a listening ear versus when they need solutions to the problem. As a parent, I understand the desire to make your child feel better and take their pain away. This can result in quickly rushing to the problem-solving phase rather than taking time to listen to what the person is saying, understanding their thoughts and emotions, and allowing them to share the kind of support they need.

Action Item: There can be a lot of frustration surrounding whether your support person is available and equipped to provide you what you need in a time of distress. Most often than not, families love each other and have the best intentions to be there when needed. It is ok to voice your concerns and needs to your family when they are available and equipped to be there for you. However, if you find yourself reaching out to a support person and they are not available, know that you are not alone. Allow yourself to find a support person outside of your family who is trained on how to properly address mental health issues and able to walk with you through your struggles.

In closing this post, I would like to offer some encouragement. Though your mom is not your therapist, she (or any other loved one) can still be someone who you seek for support and love. It is a blessing to see with every passing year how much more people are becoming comfortable with discussing mental health issues. I feel we each have a responsibility to start the conversation about the importance of mental health within our individual support systems. This begins with each of us becoming more comfortable with dealing with our own mental health.  You may go to your mom for a few home remedies when you are feeling sick but when things become more serious you seek qualified medical attention; we must have this same approach when it comes to our mental health. As a counselor and life coach, I will always advocate for utilizing mental health services to address your needs. I encourage you to find a safe and objective environment where someone will listen, support and help you to become the best version of yourself.

As a counselor it is never my goal to be the center of attention; in the helping profession we are taught to remain focused on our clients and I enjoy being able to do just that. However, I do believe that God has allowed me to walk through painful experiences and overcome them, so I could not only empathize with the challenges that my client’s face but also be an example that they can get through them as well.

For this post, I would like to be transparent in showing how important it is to have a community of people around you who love and support you especially in times of difficulty.

I was in an extremely emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for several years, and near the end of my college career I eventually found the strength to leave. After leaving a relationship that had defined my identity for so long, I longed to find myself and a place in life that I could call my own. It was when I decided to join a sisterhood of likeminded, strong, and ambitious women that I truly began the journey of finding myself.

LIFE

For those who have been in (or are currently in) any type of abusive relationship then you understand how difficult it is to maintain your own identity. In this relationship, there was no me, I had become who ever this person wanted me to be and in leaving the relationship I had no idea who I truly was. I made the decision to seek out a place where I could find women who exemplified who I wanted to become. I looked around my network of friends to see if anyone had the qualities that I wanted to see within myself. It was by God’s grace that I came across a group of women who represented the type of woman I wanted to become, I had found a sisterhood. What this sisterhood taught me about my life was that I was strong, resilient, smart, resourceful, and I could not be broken.
This gave me a foundation upon which I still stand today. Why is this helpful for you? When you feel that you are alone, struggling, have no identity, and no ambition; make it your mission to surround yourself with people who are doing the things you desire to do. Seek out groups (in your community, church, work, school, neighborhood) where you see not only their words (what they portray) but also their actions (what they are doing successfully). If you cannot fully see potential within yourself and you are unsure how you are going to get to the next step in your life; surround yourself with positive people, watch them, and learn from them. Sometimes it takes having living examples around you to know that that dream you have for your life is possible. Only God knows the alternative outcome for me had I not chosen to surround myself with positive people at a point in my life when I had no hope. What I do know is that this decision changed the trajectory of my life thereafter.

LIBERTY

There is no freedom when you are in an abusive relationship (or any other toxic situation) where you feel captive and that every decision you make and action you take will have a detrimental impact on your life. At a point in my past relationship I lived in a constant state of fear, fear that if I did the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, was not at the right place, or even breathed the wrong way then something bad was going to happen. I lived constantly on edge that this life and “love” that I had found for myself would be taken away. Even though I knew the situation was unhealthy and toxic, I stayed because I was afraid to be alone. In leaving that relationship, I was on my own for the first time since moving from my parent’s home and going to college. I did not really know what to do with myself and I found myself attracting men with the same controlling and manipulative nature that I had escaped from.
How I found my liberty was deciding to do something that was only for me, I decided to join a sorority. This decision wasn’t easy, and I faced many difficult challenges, but I did it for me. This is what set my mind and heart free. The lesson for you here isn’t to try and join a sorority or make you regret that you didn’t. The lesson is to do what you need to do FOR YOU. What is it that you always wanted to do but were too afraid to try? DO IT? For me, surrounding myself with positive, strong women was what I needed to find my own personal strength. The saying “birds of a feather, flock together” has some truth to it. Be cognizant of who you surround yourself with and what energy they bring into your life. Surrounding yourself with people and things that make you want to be the best version of yourself is key in finding your freedom. God did not create us to be islands, separate and in competition with one another. God’s creation of man was not perfected until he built a suitable helper, we were created for connection with one another (Genesis 2:18).

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

After deciding to make a change in my life and joining a sisterhood of encouraging women, I began to find myself. I began to not be so afraid of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, and losing myself in someone else. By gaining mentors and positive examples of success, I began to grow into the woman I am today and pursue my own purpose and happiness in life. Now, I won’t tell you that building a community around myself made my whole life easier thereafter. I still had struggles, hurts, pains, and I was/am still growing as an individual. What I gained by building this community was the understanding that I wasn’t alone, that I had people who had become apart of my extended family. My community were the individuals who held me up when I faced life’s difficulties and I did the same for them.
What I have also gained is a group of people who hold me accountable, who encourage me, and inspire me to pursue my dreams. The key lesson here is that you can’t choose your biological family. Many people have estranged, strained, and unhealthy relationships within their family which created in them a sense of being alone. The benefit of being able to build your own community is that you can pick, choose, and vet who you allow to be apart of your inner circle. When you build your personal community, you get to grow with people based on common interest and mutual respect. I don’t know what your personal dreams or struggles are, but I do know that there is a community of people out there who share your dreams and are waiting for you to step outside of your comfort zone and connect with them.

BUILDING YOUR OWN COMMUNITY

I believe that this model of community/ sisterhood works for me and it helps me as I continue to grow and dream bigger.  Outside of my sisterhood, I have built a new community of likeminded professional women who share the same vision of wanting to live in our purpose and to help others do the same. How did I build this community you might ask? First let me say, I used to be painfully shy, reserved, and doing anything outside of my comfort zone was an immediate NO!! But, I realized that I wasn’t going to grow or improve as a person if I isolated myself. I began looking online for community groups that shared my interest on platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. There are tons of groups online that you can join to get “your feet wet” and increase your comfortability engaging with people who share your interest.
What I also tried was looking at local ‘Meet Up’ groups, I found networking and social events that were in my area of interest and I took the leap and went to a few. Going to an event can seem daunting, but many people are in the exact same position as you, they are looking to connect and build relationships with people who have commonality. Building a community does not have to be a long drawn out and draining process. Use technology to your advantage to find groups and organizations who share your vision, and the best part is that you can do this at your own pace. In pushing myself to step out of my comfort zone, I have made many amazing connections and my personal community continues to grow. As my community grows, I gain insight, support, and guidance from my peers and this continues to propel me along this path of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness does not look the same for everyone, we all must define it and obtain it for ourselves. If you are struggling with similar painful situations as I once did, and you are looking for support as you move forward in finding your freedom and defining who you want to become please feel free to reach out to me directly (see contact tab). I would love to help you as you begin this journey of defining how you would like the rest of your story to end.

One of the common themes I have seen as I talk with clients, peers, and from my own experience is that individuals often feel that they have no one that they can turn to. I have met many people who say that they cannot go to their friends or family with their problems because they are expected to be the “strong one”. When you are the person who is constantly helping others and listening to everyone’s issues, who do you turn to when you need support? Who can you turn to when everybody you know turns to you?

Let me have an honesty moment, I have been writing this blog post for about two months now. I thought my schedule was the reason I kept putting off finishing this post. But the truth is, I am living this right now and always have. I have always been a great listener which is an asset for any counselor/life coach. However, early on in my life I felt that my friends and family never took the time to hear what I had to say. I have had friends call me and vent for hours; and asking if I was ok or how I was doing often seemed like an afterthought. Can you relate to having a difficult day and someone calls you to vent, you listen but you never could express what was bothering you?

I have found that many individuals who wear the title of being the “strong one” have difficulty taking off that mask because they have not found a safe space in which they are able to be vulnerable. Individuals who are not given the space to be vulnerable often internalize their thoughts and feeling which can lead to resentment, anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc. When you feel you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and carry your problems silently along with everyone else’s you may often isolate and feel that no one cares. In experiencing this myself, I can share of few things that I have done to continue being a listening ear to family and friends while also ensuring my voice is heard.

Understanding Your Worth
The most valuable lesson you can learn is that you matter and that your voice matters. Often when you wear the mask and armor of the strong friend, people see you as a person who they can lay their burdens on and walk away feeling better. What is important to know if you identify with this role is that, you deserve to have someone to be that person for you. I am not saying to call your closest friend and verbally/emotionally vomit on them. What I am saying is that you deserve a give and take relationship in which you can take off the mask and express your needs. My personal perspective growing up was that what I felt did not matter and what I had to say did not matter either, but I had a caring heart and wanted to help people. Because of this I constantly found myself being there for others but finding I could not identify one person who was truly there for me. When you wear the “strong one” crown you often don’t show others your pain and weakness, so they don’t have a reason to probe deeper when you say, “I’m ok”. Give yourself permission to be human and accept that you need others just as much as they need you. Peak from behind your mask and test the waters to see who is willing to see the real you and be there when you need them.

Assertive Communication
The major thing that I have learned when it comes to getting what you desire out of any relationship is that you must speak your truth and ask for what you need. There are friends in my life that I love dearly but I found myself resenting them, ignoring them, and isolating myself because I felt that they just did not care. What I decided to do before completely walking away from the friendships was to peak from behind my mask. I began to talk to my friends and let them know that I felt alone, that I felt ignored, that I could not tell that they care about what was going on with me. And guess what happened? My friends apologized for taking advantage of my listening ear, they asked to know in what ways they could be there for me, and their actions began to show that they heard what I said. They began starting conversations with “How are you doing? No really, how are you really doing?” Our relationships became mutual, give-and-take. I began to know who my true support system was, and I began to feel like my mask could be put on the shelf every once in a while.

Boundaries
Now, I said that this was going to be a moment of honesty and I would be completely untruthful if I said that everyone in my life became a part of my mutual “give-and-take” support system. The tough part of advocating for yourself when you are the strong one is that you must establish boundaries, this is a must. I’ve said this in a previous blog; givers have to establish boundaries because takers don’t have any. The hardest thing that I had to do in order to create a healthier space for myself was to end relationships with people that had no intention of being there for me as I was for them. This was both difficult and hurtful but what I learned is that the cost of ending a relationship that only caused me burdens and loneliness was minimal in comparison to the cost of maintaining a draining relationship in which my voice and needs were insignificant. I will repeat “that you matter and that your voice matters”. Take stock of those who are constantly pulling on you for support and ask yourself “Is this person able to see and value my worth?” and “Am I able to communicate my needs assertively and find that this person will give to me as I have to them?” In asking yourself these questions, be honest, and consider what boundaries you need to put in place to ensure those you surround yourself with are beneficial to your overall mental health.

Reassess and Regroup
When creating boundaries, I am not saying that you must cut everyone off that does not fit the criteria of seeing your value and desiring a mutual “give-and-take” relationship. What I am suggesting is that you reassess and regroup. When you take stock of those in your life and you are aware of where they stand, it is ok to decide who gets access to you and how. There are still people in my life that I associate with and care for that do not meet the criteria for being in my close support system. I still hang out with them and chat with them, but I do not allow myself to be their dumping zone. I allow myself to ignore a call or two, I decline an outing when I am not feeling up to it, I do not allow myself to have false expectations that they will always be there for me. When people show you who they are, believe them. You have the right to choose who you allow to drain and replenish your energy. There is no guilt in allowing someone to play the part they have chosen to take in your life; remember you allowed them to audition for the role of supportive friend in the tips above.

I will close with this last tip: be the friend you desire to have.  I can completely understand the burnout you experience when you are constantly the “go to” person. The armor of being the “strong one” gets heavy and it becomes easier to isolate and become a lone soldier. What I recommend, is that you take the time to connect with those in your life that really love you, share with them how you have been feeling, and take the time to build stronger connections with those who truly have your best interest in mind. If you are at a loss for a person that you can identify in your life that could be a part of your support system, I highly recommend seeking a local minister, counselor, or coach to walk with you. As I mentioned above I relate very closely with this blog topic. I’ve been there, and I understand what this feels like. My purpose is to create an environment where individuals are able to remove the mask, become vulnerable, and work through life’s issues. If you need someone you can turn to when everybody you know turns to you, contact me directly to schedule a free 30-minute consultation.

It’s the beginning of the new year which means everyone is creating New Year’s resolutions, setting goals, decorating vision boards, and proclaiming “New Year, New Me”. All of this is admirable however data shows that 41% of Americans make New Year’s Resolutions which center around self-improvement, weight, money, and relationships. Out of the 41% of the population that set goals for the new year, only 9.2% felt they were successful in achieving their resolution. Now some of you will look at those numbers and say, “Well there’s no point of me setting a goal then. I already know the data is stacked against me!”. I challenge you to consider what you can do differently to ensure you are making consistent progress toward your goals.

When I consider where my life was 2 years ago; it was drastically different than where I am today. This didn’t come from me running a mental, emotional, or physical marathon daily. It came from small, intentional, and consistent baby steps.

Did I push myself? “YES!”
Was it hard? “YEP!”
Did I want to give up? “On more than one occasion!”
Did I accomplish every single goal I had? “NOPE!”
Am I in a better place because I stayed the course? ABSOLUTELY!!!

Where do I start?

That is a great question and one that many people get stuck on when it comes to setting goals and establishing a plan. The starting point is simple, you need to decide what you want and understand why. I’ve found that in setting goals for myself such as finishing graduate school, starting a business, or deciding to eat healthier, the goal wasn’t what pushed me. The ‘why’ behind the goal is what drove me to continue moving forward even when I didn’t feel like it. When you understand why you desire the goal that you jotted down on paper and you can visualize what achieving that goal will do for you; then the goal becomes more than something on a list, it becomes your mission and purpose. Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to save money? Why do you want to improve or cut off that relationship? It isn’t the act of doing the task that really matters, what matters is how achieving that goal can change your life.

Being Intentional

There is no goal that was achieved by happenstance or a genie that floated out of a bottle that magically melted off 20 pounds and put an extra $10,000 in the bank. You must work the plan, or your goals are just dreams. Being intentional in your thoughts and behavior is key to achieving any goal you have. For me, my goal this year is to feed my mind positivity. To accomplish this goal, I’ve had to become very intentional about what I am spending my time doing. I journal a prayer and read a scripture to start my day, I do a quick 20-minute workout, then listen to worship music while I am getting ready for the day.  While I am driving to the office I listen to podcast such as “Super Soul” or “Therapy for Black Girls”. The toughest one is I’ve decided to put my phone on ‘do not disturb’ between the hours of 10pm- 8am so that I can spend time reading. I’ve had to cut out guilty pleasures like watching a million makeup tutorials on YouTube or vegging out on Netflix at the end of the day. In being intentional with my time, I’ve found that I feel better throughout the day. Even though separately these changes are small, I end the day feeling as if I have accomplished something. Being intentional does not mean you won’t have an off day or that you are going to check everything off your list every day. It means you are choosing to make an effort toward your overall goal in small ways each day.

Be Consistent- Take Baby Steps

When I look back at the progress that I’ve made personally over the past few years, there isn’t a single action that I can pinpoint and say “there, that’s what I did to achieve my goals”. What I can say is that by remaining consistent and taking baby steps each day, week, and month I was able to see the overall progress over time. The goals you have for yourself are not likely to be accomplished overnight. Accepting that what you desire for yourself will take time will not only take the pressure off, but it will allow you to enjoy the journey. Sometimes we can get so caught up on the end result that we only see our failures and never take time to celebrate our success. I have become a fan of keeping the ‘sticky note’ app on my laptop. I use this not only as a “To Do List” but also as a tool to track all that I have accomplished.  Create a “living” list of what you need to do. This is a list that you can add to as things come up. But DON’T delete what you have completed. Create a “DONE List” and track everything you have completed on your “To Do List”. Seeing this list grow will help you to know that your efforts aren’t in vain and that you are making progress. These are the baby steps. Baby steps no matter how small can move you forward if you commit to staying consistent.

But What If I Get Distracted?

I’m smart enough to know that life happens and that there will be times where you just can’t get to those 10 tasks on your “To Do List”. For me, very recently my daughter came down with the flu which meant lots of cuddle time with mommy. And guess what? That “To Do List” was now on hold. But once my daughter was feeling better I pulled up my list and saw the task I needed to get to as well as the extensive list of items that was already on my “DONE List”. See, I told you that would come in handy. For me, taking a few days off didn’t ruin my record of accomplishment of taking baby steps. I was reminded of all I accomplished as well as what I need to continue working on. Life happens to everyone and sometimes we just need a break. Take the time you need but get back to the business of working on your goals. Your goals don’t stop existing because you needed a break and you are not a failure because you needed a time out. Distractions happen but as long as you remember that slow and steady wins the race you will continue moving forward.

We all have desires for ourselves whether it be personally, professionally, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. The difference between those who set goals and those who achieve them is the individual’s willingness to be intentional and consistent. If you find that you need someone to hold you accountable, ask your spouse, friend, colleague, minister, or find a local counselor or life coach who can walk with you through this process.

If you would like to chat with me about goal setting, please contact me directly to schedule a free 30-minute consultation. I pray that you accomplish everything your heart desires and I would love to hear your success stories at the end of the year.

God Bless!!!