As a counselor it is never my goal to be the center of attention; in the helping profession we are taught to remain focused on our clients and I enjoy being able to do just that. However, I do believe that God has allowed me to walk through painful experiences and overcome them, so I could not only empathize with the challenges that my client’s face but also be an example that they can get through them as well.

For this post, I would like to be transparent in showing how important it is to have a community of people around you who love and support you especially in times of difficulty.

I was in an extremely emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for several years, and near the end of my college career I eventually found the strength to leave. After leaving a relationship that had defined my identity for so long, I longed to find myself and a place in life that I could call my own. It was when I decided to join a sisterhood of likeminded, strong, and ambitious women that I truly began the journey of finding myself.

LIFE

For those who have been in (or are currently in) any type of abusive relationship then you understand how difficult it is to maintain your own identity. In this relationship, there was no me, I had become who ever this person wanted me to be and in leaving the relationship I had no idea who I truly was. I made the decision to seek out a place where I could find women who exemplified who I wanted to become. I looked around my network of friends to see if anyone had the qualities that I wanted to see within myself. It was by God’s grace that I came across a group of women who represented the type of woman I wanted to become, I had found a sisterhood. What this sisterhood taught me about my life was that I was strong, resilient, smart, resourceful, and I could not be broken.
This gave me a foundation upon which I still stand today. Why is this helpful for you? When you feel that you are alone, struggling, have no identity, and no ambition; make it your mission to surround yourself with people who are doing the things you desire to do. Seek out groups (in your community, church, work, school, neighborhood) where you see not only their words (what they portray) but also their actions (what they are doing successfully). If you cannot fully see potential within yourself and you are unsure how you are going to get to the next step in your life; surround yourself with positive people, watch them, and learn from them. Sometimes it takes having living examples around you to know that that dream you have for your life is possible. Only God knows the alternative outcome for me had I not chosen to surround myself with positive people at a point in my life when I had no hope. What I do know is that this decision changed the trajectory of my life thereafter.

LIBERTY

There is no freedom when you are in an abusive relationship (or any other toxic situation) where you feel captive and that every decision you make and action you take will have a detrimental impact on your life. At a point in my past relationship I lived in a constant state of fear, fear that if I did the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, was not at the right place, or even breathed the wrong way then something bad was going to happen. I lived constantly on edge that this life and “love” that I had found for myself would be taken away. Even though I knew the situation was unhealthy and toxic, I stayed because I was afraid to be alone. In leaving that relationship, I was on my own for the first time since moving from my parent’s home and going to college. I did not really know what to do with myself and I found myself attracting men with the same controlling and manipulative nature that I had escaped from.
How I found my liberty was deciding to do something that was only for me, I decided to join a sorority. This decision wasn’t easy, and I faced many difficult challenges, but I did it for me. This is what set my mind and heart free. The lesson for you here isn’t to try and join a sorority or make you regret that you didn’t. The lesson is to do what you need to do FOR YOU. What is it that you always wanted to do but were too afraid to try? DO IT? For me, surrounding myself with positive, strong women was what I needed to find my own personal strength. The saying “birds of a feather, flock together” has some truth to it. Be cognizant of who you surround yourself with and what energy they bring into your life. Surrounding yourself with people and things that make you want to be the best version of yourself is key in finding your freedom. God did not create us to be islands, separate and in competition with one another. God’s creation of man was not perfected until he built a suitable helper, we were created for connection with one another (Genesis 2:18).

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

After deciding to make a change in my life and joining a sisterhood of encouraging women, I began to find myself. I began to not be so afraid of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, and losing myself in someone else. By gaining mentors and positive examples of success, I began to grow into the woman I am today and pursue my own purpose and happiness in life. Now, I won’t tell you that building a community around myself made my whole life easier thereafter. I still had struggles, hurts, pains, and I was/am still growing as an individual. What I gained by building this community was the understanding that I wasn’t alone, that I had people who had become apart of my extended family. My community were the individuals who held me up when I faced life’s difficulties and I did the same for them.
What I have also gained is a group of people who hold me accountable, who encourage me, and inspire me to pursue my dreams. The key lesson here is that you can’t choose your biological family. Many people have estranged, strained, and unhealthy relationships within their family which created in them a sense of being alone. The benefit of being able to build your own community is that you can pick, choose, and vet who you allow to be apart of your inner circle. When you build your personal community, you get to grow with people based on common interest and mutual respect. I don’t know what your personal dreams or struggles are, but I do know that there is a community of people out there who share your dreams and are waiting for you to step outside of your comfort zone and connect with them.

BUILDING YOUR OWN COMMUNITY

I believe that this model of community/ sisterhood works for me and it helps me as I continue to grow and dream bigger.  Outside of my sisterhood, I have built a new community of likeminded professional women who share the same vision of wanting to live in our purpose and to help others do the same. How did I build this community you might ask? First let me say, I used to be painfully shy, reserved, and doing anything outside of my comfort zone was an immediate NO!! But, I realized that I wasn’t going to grow or improve as a person if I isolated myself. I began looking online for community groups that shared my interest on platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. There are tons of groups online that you can join to get “your feet wet” and increase your comfortability engaging with people who share your interest.
What I also tried was looking at local ‘Meet Up’ groups, I found networking and social events that were in my area of interest and I took the leap and went to a few. Going to an event can seem daunting, but many people are in the exact same position as you, they are looking to connect and build relationships with people who have commonality. Building a community does not have to be a long drawn out and draining process. Use technology to your advantage to find groups and organizations who share your vision, and the best part is that you can do this at your own pace. In pushing myself to step out of my comfort zone, I have made many amazing connections and my personal community continues to grow. As my community grows, I gain insight, support, and guidance from my peers and this continues to propel me along this path of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness does not look the same for everyone, we all must define it and obtain it for ourselves. If you are struggling with similar painful situations as I once did, and you are looking for support as you move forward in finding your freedom and defining who you want to become please feel free to reach out to me directly (see contact tab). I would love to help you as you begin this journey of defining how you would like the rest of your story to end.

One of the common themes I have seen as I talk with clients, peers, and from my own experience is that individuals often feel that they have no one that they can turn to. I have met many people who say that they cannot go to their friends or family with their problems because they are expected to be the “strong one”. When you are the person who is constantly helping others and listening to everyone’s issues, who do you turn to when you need support? Who can you turn to when everybody you know turns to you?

Let me have an honesty moment, I have been writing this blog post for about two months now. I thought my schedule was the reason I kept putting off finishing this post. But the truth is, I am living this right now and always have. I have always been a great listener which is an asset for any counselor/life coach. However, early on in my life I felt that my friends and family never took the time to hear what I had to say. I have had friends call me and vent for hours; and asking if I was ok or how I was doing often seemed like an afterthought. Can you relate to having a difficult day and someone calls you to vent, you listen but you never could express what was bothering you?

I have found that many individuals who wear the title of being the “strong one” have difficulty taking off that mask because they have not found a safe space in which they are able to be vulnerable. Individuals who are not given the space to be vulnerable often internalize their thoughts and feeling which can lead to resentment, anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc. When you feel you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and carry your problems silently along with everyone else’s you may often isolate and feel that no one cares. In experiencing this myself, I can share of few things that I have done to continue being a listening ear to family and friends while also ensuring my voice is heard.

Understanding Your Worth
The most valuable lesson you can learn is that you matter and that your voice matters. Often when you wear the mask and armor of the strong friend, people see you as a person who they can lay their burdens on and walk away feeling better. What is important to know if you identify with this role is that, you deserve to have someone to be that person for you. I am not saying to call your closest friend and verbally/emotionally vomit on them. What I am saying is that you deserve a give and take relationship in which you can take off the mask and express your needs. My personal perspective growing up was that what I felt did not matter and what I had to say did not matter either, but I had a caring heart and wanted to help people. Because of this I constantly found myself being there for others but finding I could not identify one person who was truly there for me. When you wear the “strong one” crown you often don’t show others your pain and weakness, so they don’t have a reason to probe deeper when you say, “I’m ok”. Give yourself permission to be human and accept that you need others just as much as they need you. Peak from behind your mask and test the waters to see who is willing to see the real you and be there when you need them.

Assertive Communication
The major thing that I have learned when it comes to getting what you desire out of any relationship is that you must speak your truth and ask for what you need. There are friends in my life that I love dearly but I found myself resenting them, ignoring them, and isolating myself because I felt that they just did not care. What I decided to do before completely walking away from the friendships was to peak from behind my mask. I began to talk to my friends and let them know that I felt alone, that I felt ignored, that I could not tell that they care about what was going on with me. And guess what happened? My friends apologized for taking advantage of my listening ear, they asked to know in what ways they could be there for me, and their actions began to show that they heard what I said. They began starting conversations with “How are you doing? No really, how are you really doing?” Our relationships became mutual, give-and-take. I began to know who my true support system was, and I began to feel like my mask could be put on the shelf every once in a while.

Boundaries
Now, I said that this was going to be a moment of honesty and I would be completely untruthful if I said that everyone in my life became a part of my mutual “give-and-take” support system. The tough part of advocating for yourself when you are the strong one is that you must establish boundaries, this is a must. I’ve said this in a previous blog; givers have to establish boundaries because takers don’t have any. The hardest thing that I had to do in order to create a healthier space for myself was to end relationships with people that had no intention of being there for me as I was for them. This was both difficult and hurtful but what I learned is that the cost of ending a relationship that only caused me burdens and loneliness was minimal in comparison to the cost of maintaining a draining relationship in which my voice and needs were insignificant. I will repeat “that you matter and that your voice matters”. Take stock of those who are constantly pulling on you for support and ask yourself “Is this person able to see and value my worth?” and “Am I able to communicate my needs assertively and find that this person will give to me as I have to them?” In asking yourself these questions, be honest, and consider what boundaries you need to put in place to ensure those you surround yourself with are beneficial to your overall mental health.

Reassess and Regroup
When creating boundaries, I am not saying that you must cut everyone off that does not fit the criteria of seeing your value and desiring a mutual “give-and-take” relationship. What I am suggesting is that you reassess and regroup. When you take stock of those in your life and you are aware of where they stand, it is ok to decide who gets access to you and how. There are still people in my life that I associate with and care for that do not meet the criteria for being in my close support system. I still hang out with them and chat with them, but I do not allow myself to be their dumping zone. I allow myself to ignore a call or two, I decline an outing when I am not feeling up to it, I do not allow myself to have false expectations that they will always be there for me. When people show you who they are, believe them. You have the right to choose who you allow to drain and replenish your energy. There is no guilt in allowing someone to play the part they have chosen to take in your life; remember you allowed them to audition for the role of supportive friend in the tips above.

I will close with this last tip: be the friend you desire to have.  I can completely understand the burnout you experience when you are constantly the “go to” person. The armor of being the “strong one” gets heavy and it becomes easier to isolate and become a lone soldier. What I recommend, is that you take the time to connect with those in your life that really love you, share with them how you have been feeling, and take the time to build stronger connections with those who truly have your best interest in mind. If you are at a loss for a person that you can identify in your life that could be a part of your support system, I highly recommend seeking a local minister, counselor, or coach to walk with you. As I mentioned above I relate very closely with this blog topic. I’ve been there, and I understand what this feels like. My purpose is to create an environment where individuals are able to remove the mask, become vulnerable, and work through life’s issues. If you need someone you can turn to when everybody you know turns to you, contact me directly to schedule a free 30-minute consultation.

It’s the beginning of the new year which means everyone is creating New Year’s resolutions, setting goals, decorating vision boards, and proclaiming “New Year, New Me”. All of this is admirable however data shows that 41% of Americans make New Year’s Resolutions which center around self-improvement, weight, money, and relationships. Out of the 41% of the population that set goals for the new year, only 9.2% felt they were successful in achieving their resolution. Now some of you will look at those numbers and say, “Well there’s no point of me setting a goal then. I already know the data is stacked against me!”. I challenge you to consider what you can do differently to ensure you are making consistent progress toward your goals.

When I consider where my life was 2 years ago; it was drastically different than where I am today. This didn’t come from me running a mental, emotional, or physical marathon daily. It came from small, intentional, and consistent baby steps.

Did I push myself? “YES!”
Was it hard? “YEP!”
Did I want to give up? “On more than one occasion!”
Did I accomplish every single goal I had? “NOPE!”
Am I in a better place because I stayed the course? ABSOLUTELY!!!

Where do I start?

That is a great question and one that many people get stuck on when it comes to setting goals and establishing a plan. The starting point is simple, you need to decide what you want and understand why. I’ve found that in setting goals for myself such as finishing graduate school, starting a business, or deciding to eat healthier, the goal wasn’t what pushed me. The ‘why’ behind the goal is what drove me to continue moving forward even when I didn’t feel like it. When you understand why you desire the goal that you jotted down on paper and you can visualize what achieving that goal will do for you; then the goal becomes more than something on a list, it becomes your mission and purpose. Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to save money? Why do you want to improve or cut off that relationship? It isn’t the act of doing the task that really matters, what matters is how achieving that goal can change your life.

Being Intentional

There is no goal that was achieved by happenstance or a genie that floated out of a bottle that magically melted off 20 pounds and put an extra $10,000 in the bank. You must work the plan, or your goals are just dreams. Being intentional in your thoughts and behavior is key to achieving any goal you have. For me, my goal this year is to feed my mind positivity. To accomplish this goal, I’ve had to become very intentional about what I am spending my time doing. I journal a prayer and read a scripture to start my day, I do a quick 20-minute workout, then listen to worship music while I am getting ready for the day.  While I am driving to the office I listen to podcast such as “Super Soul” or “Therapy for Black Girls”. The toughest one is I’ve decided to put my phone on ‘do not disturb’ between the hours of 10pm- 8am so that I can spend time reading. I’ve had to cut out guilty pleasures like watching a million makeup tutorials on YouTube or vegging out on Netflix at the end of the day. In being intentional with my time, I’ve found that I feel better throughout the day. Even though separately these changes are small, I end the day feeling as if I have accomplished something. Being intentional does not mean you won’t have an off day or that you are going to check everything off your list every day. It means you are choosing to make an effort toward your overall goal in small ways each day.

Be Consistent- Take Baby Steps

When I look back at the progress that I’ve made personally over the past few years, there isn’t a single action that I can pinpoint and say “there, that’s what I did to achieve my goals”. What I can say is that by remaining consistent and taking baby steps each day, week, and month I was able to see the overall progress over time. The goals you have for yourself are not likely to be accomplished overnight. Accepting that what you desire for yourself will take time will not only take the pressure off, but it will allow you to enjoy the journey. Sometimes we can get so caught up on the end result that we only see our failures and never take time to celebrate our success. I have become a fan of keeping the ‘sticky note’ app on my laptop. I use this not only as a “To Do List” but also as a tool to track all that I have accomplished.  Create a “living” list of what you need to do. This is a list that you can add to as things come up. But DON’T delete what you have completed. Create a “DONE List” and track everything you have completed on your “To Do List”. Seeing this list grow will help you to know that your efforts aren’t in vain and that you are making progress. These are the baby steps. Baby steps no matter how small can move you forward if you commit to staying consistent.

But What If I Get Distracted?

I’m smart enough to know that life happens and that there will be times where you just can’t get to those 10 tasks on your “To Do List”. For me, very recently my daughter came down with the flu which meant lots of cuddle time with mommy. And guess what? That “To Do List” was now on hold. But once my daughter was feeling better I pulled up my list and saw the task I needed to get to as well as the extensive list of items that was already on my “DONE List”. See, I told you that would come in handy. For me, taking a few days off didn’t ruin my record of accomplishment of taking baby steps. I was reminded of all I accomplished as well as what I need to continue working on. Life happens to everyone and sometimes we just need a break. Take the time you need but get back to the business of working on your goals. Your goals don’t stop existing because you needed a break and you are not a failure because you needed a time out. Distractions happen but as long as you remember that slow and steady wins the race you will continue moving forward.

We all have desires for ourselves whether it be personally, professionally, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. The difference between those who set goals and those who achieve them is the individual’s willingness to be intentional and consistent. If you find that you need someone to hold you accountable, ask your spouse, friend, colleague, minister, or find a local counselor or life coach who can walk with you through this process.

If you would like to chat with me about goal setting, please contact me directly to schedule a free 30-minute consultation. I pray that you accomplish everything your heart desires and I would love to hear your success stories at the end of the year.

God Bless!!!

The conversation about mental health is just beginning to be more than a mere whisper. We are beginning to see characters on our favorite shows talking to a therapist. Our favorite actors, actresses, and musicians are starting to become more open about their experiences with poor mental health and making the decision to seek counseling. We have also witnessed the devastating effects of famous individuals who have decided to end their lives; which has raised awareness on the importance of mental health care.

Even with the increased discussion surrounding mental health, there is still work to be done to help individuals to value their mental health as they would their physical health.

Similar to most, I am guilty of indulging in watching reality tv. I was recently watching an episode of the reality show Mary Mary which follows the lives of the two-gospel artist Tina and Erica Campbell. In this episode there was a scene where Tina’s husband presents to her concerns that their daughter may be dealing with depression. It was Tina’s initial reaction that she was not going to “speak that over her daughter” and how this just could not be true. Her reaction showed that she thought depression was only a trick of the devil and it just needed to be prayed away.

This scene made me consider how many believers in the church may be struggling with their mental health; they could be dealing with depression, anxiety, overwhelming stress, grief, mood instability, or even thoughts of suicide. What can these individuals do to get support if their fellow believers response to their cry for help is “don’t speak that over your life” or “that’s just the devil playing with your head” or “just pray and have faith and it will all go away”.

I’d like to pose a few questions. If someone stood before you with a broken leg, would you tell them “don’t speak that over your life”? If your child has boils covering their body, would your response be, “just pray and have faith and it will all go away”?  What if you were diagnosed with cancer would you say, “that’s just the devil playing with your head”?

If we look at the example that Jesus set, we will see him throughout the Bible healing the physical needs of individuals in order to truly touch the spiritual. Healing was essential to the ministry of Jesus because healings offered indisputable evidence that He is the Christ of God. Healing was also essential to the ministry of Jesus because He envisioned healing as a physical symbol of forgiveness. Matthew 9:20-22, Matthew 9:35, Mark 2:9-12, Luke 17:12-16, and John 9:6-7, are just a few examples of how Jesus addressed physical ailments and through healing brought glory to the name of God.

From a psychological stand point we will consider Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which states that the basic needs for human survival must be met before one is able to care for their higher level of needs (i.e. intimacy and spirituality). Individuals who are hungry, broken, or depressed need their physical and/or emotional pain addressed before they are able to be fully open to spiritual healing.

God created us to be in community with one another, to support one another, and to utilize our gifts to help one another. When we react out of faith instead of fear, we will be more willing to be compassionate to each other.

Here are a few ways that believers can begin to understand and embrace mental health care?

• Understanding that mental Illness is just as important as physical illness: Just as you would attend to a health issue, mental health needs the same level of attention. Mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, grief, mood instability, thoughts of suicide are not a sin; these are illnesses that need to be addressed and healed. Ignoring an illness does not make it go away, ignoring symptoms can intensify the pain and prolong the healing process.
• Put feet to our faith and releasing the fear: People are not as comfortable talking about mental health issues which can lead to fear, shame, and avoidance. We often fear what we do not understand, and this fear can paralyze us from addressing the issues. Mental health issues aren’t new, and it isn’t exclusive to any specific race, gender, religion, or socioeconomic background. Being willing to start the conversation with openness and acceptance will keep us from struggling alone. We must follow the example of Christ by being willing to meet the basic needs for human survival, to include addressing both mental and physical illness.
• Realizing your limitations: As believers we are given the gift of prayer which is essential to our belief and power through Christ. However, it is also important to know that prayer cannot be the only tool to combat mental illness. We have to be willing to embrace being open to talking about struggles fellow believers face surrounding their mental health. You cannot pray mental illness away. We have to be willing to remove the stigma attached to mental illness and become comfortable with seeking help from a mental health professional; that begins with getting to know the Christian Counselors, Coaches, and Psychiatrist in your area.

As believers we have to remember not to be so heavenly minded that we are no earthly good. If you or someone you know needs mental health support, please take the time to find a local mental health professional who is qualified to walk with you toward your healing.