By Natasha Montgomery, M.A., LPC-S, LCDC

There is a question I want us to make more room for: Who is caring for the person who keeps showing up for everyone else?

Sometimes that person is a caregiver helping a loved one through a difficult season. Sometimes it is a therapist, nurse, educator, or parent. Sometimes it is the friend everyone calls because they always seem to know what to do.

Being needed can become so familiar that we stop noticing our own needs. We keep going. We figure things out. And when someone asks how we are doing, we may answer before we have even checked in with ourselves.

For this episode of This Therapist Has Problems, I invited Dr. Carmy Aristor, PhD, ACS, into my office to talk about caregiving, emotional strain, and the vulnerability of needing support. What stood out to me was how much can sit underneath the words, “I’m fine.”

Watch our conversation: https://youtu.be/ZWOXy-aQfYI

When strength becomes something you feel you have to prove

Dr. Carmy shared what it was like to grow her practice while raising her children as a divorced single mother. She described the exhaustion of caring for clients during the day and then coming home to the responsibilities of parenting. She also spoke honestly about the pride attached to holding everything together.

That part stayed with me.

We talk about checking on our strong friends, but we also have to make room for what it takes for that person to say, “I need help.” There may be a story behind their independence. There may be fear of being judged, disappointing someone, or seeming unable to handle a choice they made.

As Dr. Carmy described it, strength can become tied to proving something. Letting another person see the struggle can feel like giving up the very thing you have worked so hard to protect.

I want to be careful here. Difficulty asking for help is not always about pride. Support can also be expensive, unavailable, inconsistent, or hard to trust. A caregiver may need practical relief that cannot be created through a different mindset alone. We can acknowledge those realities while also looking at the beliefs that make it harder to receive the support that is available.

The person underneath the title still needs care

One of Dr. Carmy’s reminders was simple: “Give yourself permission to be human.”

That is part of why I named this podcast This Therapist Has Problems. A title does not remove our humanity. Being able to support other people does not mean we never need someone to support us.

In our conversation, we talked about helping professionals who understand the value of therapy and still feel guarded when they enter the room as a client. Knowing what support can offer and allowing yourself to receive it are different experiences.

You do not have to prove your competence before talking about what is hard. Your need for care does not take away the skills, experience, or compassion you bring to your work and relationships.

And your well-being matters even when you are not being useful to anyone else.

Notice what has changed for you

When I asked what caregivers could pay attention to, Dr. Carmy brought us back to knowing our own baseline. What is typical for your energy, patience, sleep, and emotional experience? What feels different lately?

She discussed becoming more irritable, having less patience, feeling sad, and noticing changes in sleep. These observations can be a reason to pause and seek support. They do not, on their own, tell us what is causing the change.

The Family Caregiver Alliance also encourages caregivers to recognize personal warning signs and seek support before becoming overwhelmed. Their self-care resource for family caregivers offers practical reflection on stress, asking for help, and attending to your own needs.

A check-in does not need to become another complicated assignment. You might simply ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? What has been harder than usual? What have I needed but kept putting off?

If changes persist, worsen, or affect your ability to function, a healthcare or mental health professional can help you understand what is happening. You do not have to decide on the right label before reaching out.

Self-care can begin with noticing what is already there

Dr. Carmy shared an example of someone who wanted to practice more self-care while already making time for the gym. The routine had become so automatic that the person no longer recognized it as a way of caring for herself.

We explored the difference intention can make. Taking a moment to recognize, “This is time I am giving to myself,” may help you notice care that has disappeared into the background of your day.

That does not mean a walk, a journal, or a quiet moment will solve an overwhelming workload. Sometimes what you need is someone to take a responsibility off your plate. Sometimes it is treatment, more reliable help, or a boundary that changes what you are carrying.

The invitation is to notice both: the care you already have and the support you still need.

Dr. Carmy’s four A’s

Toward the end of our conversation, Dr. Carmy offered four A’s as a way to reflect and move forward. These are her takeaways from the episode, not a diagnostic assessment.

Step	What it means in this conversation	A reflection to try
Awareness	Notice what you are experiencing.	What feels different for me lately?
Acknowledgment	Admit what is happening without judging yourself for it.	Can I name what is hard without calling myself a failure?
Alignment	Consider the needs, values, habits, and boundaries that should guide your next step.	What would support look like in this season of my life?
Action	Put a realistic part of that plan into practice.	What is one step I can take or one specific request I can make?

The reflection questions are my editorial prompts based on Dr. Carmy’s explanation. You do not have to complete all four steps perfectly. The point is to make room for honesty and follow it with something practical.

What are we modeling?

We also talked about what our children, clients, and the people around us see. If we only show them that we can keep going, they may never see what it looks like to rest, ask for help, or admit that something is too much.

There is room to model responsibility and humanity together. We can care about our commitments and still acknowledge our limits. We can love the people who depend on us and still need a break.

My hope is that you leave this conversation with permission to check on yourself as thoughtfully as you check on everyone else.

What would asking for support look like if you did not have to prove you could do everything alone?

Meet Dr. Carmy and explore her resources

Dr. Carmy Aristor, PhD, ACS, is a mental health professional, educator, and founder of Destined Horizons Mental Health Practice. Her work focuses on the emotional impact of helping work, including vicarious trauma, compassion fatigue, burnout, and chronic emotional stress. She supports helping professionals in developing boundaries, emotional awareness, and sustainable approaches to caring for themselves.

Guest resources discussed or supplied for this episode:

• Destined Horizons Mental Health Practice
• Dr. Carmy’s website, with information about Healing While Helping and the Intentional Start Journal app
• Current course and journal information. Visit the website for current availability.
• Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn

Additional reader resource selected for this article, not presented as Dr. Carmy’s recommendation: Family Caregiver Alliance: Taking Care of YOU.

Connect with M.B.S. Whole Health

If this conversation brought up something you would like support navigating, you can learn about my counseling, coaching, and LPC Associate supervision services at M.B.S. Whole Health. Counseling is available through telehealth in Texas and Michigan, subject to current availability and fit.

Contact my practice | 682-292-8087 | clients@mbswholehealth.com

Watch the full episode: https://youtu.be/ZWOXy-aQfYI
Subscribe on YouTube and read more reflections on Substack.

My hope is that these conversations help you feel seen, encouraged, and better informed. They’re here for education and connection, and don’t replace therapy, diagnosis, or medical advice tailored to your needs. If you’re in crisis, please contact 911 or 988 as you deserve timely support from a crisis service, as my inquiry form and social media accounts aren’t equipped to provide that care.